In Pursuit of Parenthood

New Blog

2012-01-02T12:43:00.000-08:00

The new blog (Dear Katelyn) is up and running! Invites went out this morning so let me know if you have not received one. Invites are open to those I know personally as well as long-time readers and bloggy friends. As long as I can verify who you are (for safety's sake), you are welcome to join if you so desire.

Thanks!

The End

2011-12-26T09:56:00.000-08:00

Sweet Blog Readers,

The time has come to end this blog. After all, it was written in pursuit of parenthood, and parenthood we have found (at long last). The purpose of this blog was to share with our cherished baby our journey to find him or her. This story of how Katelyn came into our family is over, but the story of her life as my daughter and mine as her mother, is just beginning.

For this reason, I have begun another blog full of letters to her. It is a work in progress getting caught up from the craziness of the last 12 weeks, but my hope is to keep it updated with letters and pictures throughout her childhood. Because of the personal nature of it, I have made it private. I am open to allowing readers, but I need to make safety number one priority, for Katelyn's sake. Thus, I can only add you if I know you personally or you have been a long-time reader and we have exchanged emails, etc. Please don't be offended if I can not add you. Many factors (including my husband's line of work) contribute to our need to be extra cautious.

It may take a while before the new blog is up and running. After all, I do have a husband and baby who comes first, and other obligations as well. But once it does, I can send out invites. To request an invite, please email me personally at rmcarter00@gmail.com.

I want to thank you readers from the bottom of my heart for your love and support over these last many years. I have laughed and cried as I read your comments and I can not express what it has meant to me to have such wonderful people lift me up in hard times and celebrate with me during the good ones. I am indebted to you forever.

To my bloggy friends, I am continuing to follow your blogs. I know I don't always comment, but I am always reading.

To new readers, I hope my journey helps you in some way. I am leaving these old posts up here for that very purpose.

And for those still fighting the good fight, I love you. You are inspiring. I cry with you and I am cheering for you. I pray someday you will find joy that far surpasses the pain and I hope you will share the beauty that is parenthood with me. Infertility never goes away, and you never forget the pain, but what waits on the other side is indescribable!

I wish you all a Happy New Year and a 2012 that brings you everything your heart desires.

Much love,
Michelle
(and Katelyn too!)

Update!

2011-11-16T19:56:00.001-08:00

I've some received emails wondering how Katelyn is doing, and how motherhood is treating me. Katelyn is doing wonderfully! She is my sweet, petite little baby and I am in LOVE. Motherhood is the most thrilling, rewarding and exhausting thing I have ever experienced. I have reached such clarity with the infertility and can honestly say that Katelyn joined our family in the right way and at the right time. The waiting was hard, almost unbearable at times, but I wouldn't have changed a thing because this journey brought us our baby girl. Every tear, every heartache, totally worth it.

So here are some photos of Katelyn's first six weeks!

Just home from the hospital

Sad Face!

First real bath

All clean!

Almost 3 weeks old!

Pumpkin Patch Day

Lookit that kitty!

Napping with Daddy

Happy Halloween!

Daddy Daughter Costumes

I glow!

Pooped!

First day at church - Nov 6

No more pictures! I'm ready for lunch...

Family Picture

Sly little look

Relaxing!

6 weeks old!

Miracle

2011-10-28T07:53:00.001-07:00

A friend posted this quote and I just had to put it on Katelyn's tiny feet...

First Photo Shoot

2011-10-09T13:24:00.000-07:00

Katelyn Marie at 4 days old...

Much thanks to Gwen Hawkins Photography for these beautiful pictures of our baby girl. We are forever grateful!

Katelyn's Birth Story

2011-10-09T12:22:00.000-07:00

On September 30th (my due date), I went to see Dr. M. He informed me that I was dilated to 3+ and asked what my thoughts were on how to proceed. I had always said I didn’t want to induce labor. I wanted her to come on her own. I particularly did not want to induce before 40 weeks, or if my body was making NO progress. Once I made it to 40 weeks and found out my body was progressing, I became more open to the idea. I (and my doctor) was concerned, as my seizure/headaches had returned with the vision impairments. That, along with the extreme swelling, made Dr. M very comfortable with the idea of inducing and they scheduled me for the following Monday morning.

I, however, was not as comfortable. Although I was more open to the idea, I didn’t like it, and began to feel all kinds of guilt about inducing. I started thinking I was “pulling her out before she was ready” and other similar thoughts. It wasn’t that I was miserable and “just wanted her out”, I had other legitimate reasons, but I was still feeling a lot of guilt. I cried a lot of tears. In my gut though, I felt I should keep Monday’s induction appointment and just prayed my body would start labor before then anyway.

As the weekend progressed I did find myself in early labor. Come Monday morning though, the contractions still weren’t consistently regular, so we headed to our induction appointment at 6:30am.

In the car at the hospital parking lot

The long walk into the hospital... Lots of construction going on over there

The hospital was booming with babies, and we had to wait in the main lobby for 2 hours just to get a delivery room. The hospital was also undergoing a switch to completely paperless charting, so the computer system was new, complicated and made the nurses lives horribly difficult. Good times! Needless to say, it was 10:30am before my nurse even hooked up the IV and things got going.

Our luxury delivery sweet! ;) That room was huge!

The contractions became very regular after that, but they were mild enough that we were actually having a fun time talking, getting excited, and trying to convince our family not to come and wait at the hospital. First time moms can labor a while (especially when they are induced). Many times, I’ve heard 12 hours or more!

Relaxing before "active labor" began

A doctor came in around 1pm or so and broke my water. Very soon afterwards, I noticed I no longer wanted to talk when a contraction came along. Ryan and I would be having a conversation and he would go to add a comment and I would say, “Now is the time when you can’t talk, okay?” Then, a minute or so later, I would be okay to talk again. I was dilated to a 4 around this time.

The next hour, the pain intensified. I had decided beforehand that I was open to an epidural, but I would play it by ear. I should have played it by “back” because that is exactly where my contractions went. By far, the worst pain I have ever experienced. I decided to go for the epidural after all. The only problem was they only had 1 anesthesiologist on shift that day, and had also scheduled back-to-back cesarean appointments. For each cesarean, the anesthesiologist would be completely occupied for 1 hour. Which means, unless a nurse could grab him between cesareans, we were on our own. And should he go into another cesarean without coming over to do epidurals, you would have to wait another hour before trying to get him again.

Thus, it was about 3:45pm before he moseyed his way on over to give me an epidural. I was dilated to a 5. The contractions were so bad at this point, the thought of sitting still while I got the epidural was pretty impossible to imagine. But I leaned on Ryan and got through it. Afterward, I laid back down and they told me I would feel much better in about 15 minutes. The nurse checked me again, still at a 5.

And so began the longest 15 minutes of my life. Once I had laid down, the contractions almost immediately changed, and intensified. Instead of being in my back, they now were in my tailbone. I was feeling extreme pressure and a lot of pain. They did not get better, they were feeling worse. The anesthesiologist checked everything to see if there was any reason I would be feeling so much of the pain; my nurse thought he might have done something wrong. After looking me over he said that there was nothing else he could do. I thought, “I can’t go through hours of this. How am I going to make it???”

I was rolling from one side of the bed to the other in pain, telling my nurse that it felt like I had to go to the bathroom badly. Although she had checked me just 15 minutes earlier, she decided to check me again. I was fully dilated. I had gone from a 5 to a 10 in just 15 minutes! My nurse was shocked! The pressure I was feeling was Katelyn's head in my pelvis. The nurse called Dr. M and told him he better head over to the hospital right away.

Chaos ensued. Well, not really chaos, but I was progressing so quickly, people began to act fast so it felt chaotic to me! There was a nurse shift change and I got a new nurse, who was really excited to come into the situation when I was already ready to go. A baby nurse came in along with an OB assistant, setting up carts of supplies and putting Katelyn’s bed on pre-heat.

I was so ready to push! It is amazing how your body just knows when it’s time. I was still able to feel most everything. They never really bothered to ‘turn up’ the epidural and I had full feeling in both legs, my back, you name it. Although I imagine the epidural might have taken the edge off a little, so that was nice. In one way though, I was happy that I was going to be able to feel the birth of my baby after all.

After setting up all the supplies (and draining my bladder), I finally began pushing around 4:20pm or so. My mom arrived at the hospital and came in the delivery room to watch her granddaughter’s birth. Ryan was next to me the whole time. When the urge to push came, he would grab my leg and pull it up, put his other arm around my neck to support and prop it up, and begin counting. He would count to 10, tell me to breathe, and count to 10 again (usually 4 sets per contraction). He would encourage me to push harder, even though it hurt. He was AMAZING. Later I learned he had assumed he would just be standing there by my head during the pushing part. He had no idea he’d be that involved. You couldn’t tell a bit. I never could have done it without him there.

In the first few pushes, they could already see the top of Katelyn’s head. She would have been out quite quickly, but I had a band of thick muscle just inside that had a hard time stretching. So we worked on slowly trying to get her past it. Soon, Dr. M arrived and took over for the nurse. He is just awesome and I am so glad I chose him to be my doctor.

We pushed for a little while and soon it became necessary for Dr. M to snip that muscle a bit. Very soon after that I clearly felt Katelyn’s head come out. It’s amazing how you can feel exactly what’s happening, even though you can’t see it. Her shoulders came soon after, and then the rest of her little body. She was born at 5:13pm.

In an instant I had a slippery, crying baby on my chest. Our baby girl. She cried for a minute, then became very still and relaxed. She laid there quietly on my chest for a while. It was the most wonderful and surreal moment of my life. I can’t even think about it without tears.

Ryan cut the cord and after several minutes, I reluctantly let them take her to clean her, wrap her up and give her to Ryan. She weighed 6lb 11oz, measured 19 ¼ inches long, and had an Apgar of 9/9.

It is amazing how wonderful you can feel after delivery! I felt great. The nurse asked if I thought I could stand up, and I just stood right up and walked to the bathroom. I changed gowns and got back in bed. Then Ryan handed Katelyn back to me. I was in love.

We couldn’t keep the family in the waiting room anymore, and soon the room was full of visitors. I loved seeing the happiness and joy on everyone’s faces. We weren’t the only people who waited a long time for this. After about 10 minutes, we cleared the room out and tried breastfeeding, which went pretty well for the first try. After that, I ate a turkey sandwich. Life could not have been better.

Later that night, we were moved to a post-partum room. Because there was another woman in there, Ryan wasn’t allowed to stay, so he left around midnight. I was on my own with Katelyn that night and it went pretty well. I slept about 45 minutes total, but I didn’t mind. I was busy feeding her, changing her, changing myself, and pretty much checking to make sure she was still breathing all night.

The next day, Ryan returned and we had some more visitors stop by. The hospital was busier than ever and my 1 roommate became 3 roommates. Four women in one room, each with their own nurses, OBs, husbands and visitors… it didn’t take long before I wanted OUT.

Eating a sandwich in my cramped little corner. They didn't let me shower, and I had cried a LOT of happy tears, so I am looking pretty ragged at this point...

Holding our little girl!

Fortunately, Katelyn was perfectly healthy and both my doctor and her doctor gave the okay. That evening, we were discharged.

Going home outfit

I had a going home outfit for me too, but I was so ready to get out of there, I just had them wheel me out in my robe and flip flops!

Ahhh, home sweet home!

It feels so good to have our little girl finally with us. I feel incredibly blessed to have gone through such a short, smooth and complication-free labor. Katelyn is everything I dreamed of and more. We are blessed beyond measure, and grateful beyond words.

Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we wanted them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come.
- Joseph F. Smith

Homeward Bound!

2011-10-04T19:16:00.001-07:00

Finally headed home. :)

(Thanks to a beautiful friend for this rockin' onesie!)

She's here!

2011-10-03T20:44:00.001-07:00

Katelyn Marie
6lb 11oz / 19 1/4"
5:13pm

Tomorrow I will hold our daughter

2011-10-02T20:31:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the day! After almost 3 days of early labor, we have decided to head to the hospital in the morning for some assistance on getting to the next stage. The time to meet you is almost here! We have cleaned the house... vacuumed, dusted, wiped everything down. My bag is packed, and so is yours.

There are no words to express the mix of emotions I am feeling right now. I am nervous, anxious, excited, worried, scared, grateful... just about every feeling you can think of is swirling around in my head (and my stomach). My biggest worry is for you. Will you get through this process okay? Will it be traumatic for you? Will everything go perfectly? Please let it go perfectly.

Those are just the first round of questions. I also wonder, will I be a good mother for you? Will I know what to do? Will I know the things you need? I hope I am everything I need to be and everything you deserve.

You are kicking away as I write this. I have enjoyed having you so close to me for the last 9 1/2 months. I tried to give you all I could during that time. I wasn't perfect, but I tried to keep you safe and help you grow strong. I hope I did everything right. I hope you are born happy and healthy tomorrow.

After 8 long years of hoping and praying, of dreaming about holding you, I can hardly believe that time is here. I am at a loss. I don't know what else to do but pray to my Heavenly Father that at the end of it all I will look into your eyes and all will be well.

Good night, baby. Tomorrow we meet face to face, and life will never be the same again.

40 Weeks (+1 Day)

2011-10-01T13:37:00.000-07:00

This morning my mother-in-law asked Ryan to send her a picture of me so she could see what I look like at 40 weeks. I figured that was a good excuse to post one last "belly pic". So, here we are at 40 weeks + 1 day...

I had pretty strong cramps all night and this morning. Within the last few hours, they are beginning to resemble contractions: strong for a minute or so, then lightening up for anywhere from 10 - 25 minutes. I am just doing my normal routine and going with the flow...

Doctor's Appointment

2011-09-30T11:29:00.001-07:00

Dilated over 3cm. Cervix is low, thin and soft. Still cramping, stronger now, but still no regular contractions. Maybe this weekend??? Anything's possible!

And happy due date to you, Miss Katelyn! We did it. :)

Just a quick update...

2011-09-28T20:50:00.000-07:00

I continue to have cramps off and on, but no regular contractions. Just today, I felt a dramatic increase in pressure and weight, and Katelyn feels much lower. Not sure any of that means anything, but I continue to just go with the flow. I am uncomfortable but not miserable, and I even have moments where I feel pretty good... just really big!

Friday is my due date and my last day of work (I think). It is also the day of my next (and last???) doctor's appointment. Because of reschedules, it will have been 2 weeks since someone checked my "progress". At that time, I wasn't dilated at all and my cervix was still pretty thick. We'll see what Friday holds for us!

And so we wait!

Around Here

2011-09-20T10:36:00.001-07:00

Last minute preparations are going on around here... For the most part, we are ready to go. Katelyn has everything she will need in the beginning at least. The laundry's done, her bag is packed. Now we are just doing the odds and ends. Like I really need my bathroom floors scrubbed. Not mopped. *Scrubbed.* But that should happen today.

Her nursery isn't quite finished either. I need to paint a few frames and put those up. Also, her wooden name letters. I have a few more ties I need to do on her quilt. I wanted to do a little pillow for her rocking chair. The biggest project of all is her bird mobile. I have all the birds cut out and pinned, but they need to be sewn, stuffed and mounted on the twigs. Then hung of course. None of these things matter when it comes to bringing her home, but it would be lovely if they were done before she gets here.

We also have no food in this house. I know many women pack their freezer in preparation for the birth, but I just haven't gotten bit by that bug. I admire them though, because I am sure they will be reaping the rewards in a few weeks while I send my hubby out for Subway. Again.

As for how I am feeling? As good as can be expected! I am not feeling miserable or anything. Just uncomfortable, mostly when I am in my office chair at work or sitting at church. I haven't really been having contractions too much, just random ones here and there. Mostly, I've been having period-like cramps. They can be pretty strong and can last for a few hours at a time. I've had them in the front and also in my back. I usually just try to rest and I sometimes take a Tylenol, which doesn't do much. Nothing unbearable though, just intense and uncomfortable. When they happen, I just try to picture my cervix cramping and dilating, getting ready for our little girl to COME OUT! :)

Ryan thinks we will have an October baby. Last night, he predicted we would be going out to dinner on our due date. For some reason, I think she'll come before that. Both are just wild guesses. We'll see what happens!

Stretch Marks

2011-09-18T08:51:00.000-07:00

In the last couple days, they have arrived! I went from a few on each hip to about 10 tiny ones on each butt cheek plus a few on what is now the "underside" of my belly. And, honestly, I don't care a bit!

A friend recently sent this to me, and I cried when I read it. My tummy may not have as many marks as this (yet?), but I would be fine if it did. I am so focused on getting my baby *here*, safe in my arms, that sometimes I have to remember to enjoy these moments with her still inside. This pregnancy is a gift and I am forever grateful.

"A mark for every breath you took, every blink, every sleepy yawn. One for every time you sucked your thumb, waved hello, closed your eyes and slept in the most perfect darkness. One for every time you had the hiccups. One for every dream you dreamed within me.

It isn't very pretty anymore. Some may even think it ugly. That's OK. It was your home. It's where I first grew to love you, where I lay my hand as I dreamed about who you were and who you would be. It held you until my arms could, and for that, I will always find something beautiful in it."

Dress Rehearsal

2011-09-17T10:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday about 3pm, I started to get sharp pains running up my abdomen into my lungs and chest. They were pretty severe, but lasted a short time and came sporadically. They did not feel like contractions at all (at least not like Braxton Hicks or the few "real" contractions I've had in the past). Two hours later, when they were still happening, Ryan suggested I call the doctor's office just to see what they say.

I called and, of course, began with the words, "I am pretty sure I'm not in labor but...". I would say these words several times as the night went on. I explained what was happening and it confused her. There was no doctor there for her to talk with and in the end, she told me I should go to Labor and Delivery to just make sure everything was okay with Katelyn.

Well, great. She had to say it like that. I hemmed and hawed (one of my grandma sayings...) for a good half hour after that. I *knew* I wasn't in labor and going there seemed like a total waste. But she told me it was to make sure everything was okay with Katelyn. How do I ignore that??? What if I do, and something is wrong. Would I ever forgive myself?

So Ryan and I decided to go. I didn't even bring my overnight bag (or finish packing it for that matter). That was how sure I was that this was not "it". I felt so embarrassed even walking the halls and registering, putting on a hospital bracelet, going up to triage. I knew that embarrassment was nothing compared to the embarrassment I would feel when I had to walk back to the car because nothing was going on.

When we got to triage, I decided that I was here now, so let's make the best of it. Ryan and I said let's call it our dress rehearsal! I was getting the chance (under protest) to see it all before the big day, so that was nice. The hospital was not busy, so I didn't feel stressed or like I was talking up someone's place who actually needed it. My nurse was a sweet gal from England who didn't make me feel dumb at all for being there when I obviously didn't need to be.

I changed into their hospital gown and Ryan quickly understood why I bought my own hospital gown for the actual "big day". He had decided to document this experience and got a nice picture of my butt peaking out the back. I won't put that one on here (obviously), but here I am all hooked up in triage. Someone this relaxed and happy is obviously not in labor...

But the girl next to me was. She was breathing hard and heavy. I think it made Ryan nervous. He said it sounded like there was an animal in there! I told him he is getting a sneak peek of things to come...

I stayed on the monitors for a while and it turns out I was having minor contractions every 2-4 minutes. I hardly noticed them, except for a few stronger ones (and I use the term "stronger" very loosely - these are nothing!). I hadn't felt the severe cramping / pulling once since I got to the hospital (of course, isn't that always how it is?), so we couldn't see what that looked like on the monitor. The reason I came, Katelyn, was under protest with the monitors strapped to my belly. She moved constantly, changing her heart rate from 115 to 160 and back down again. I guess all three of us thought this hospital trip was a little ridiculous!

Finally, the nurse checked me. Which, by the way, holy cow! She is no Dr. M! When he checked me, I hardly felt anything. After her check, I felt like she knew everything about me in the matter of 30 seconds. Yikes! But sure enough, not dilated, not thinned out, and my cervix is still a bit posterior. Katelyn's head is very low though, so that's a good sign!

So, that was it! I got dressed and we left, with our tail between our legs. Okay, so not really. I went because my doctor's office told me to and, all in all, I am glad I did. I got to see how it all will happen when the "real deal" comes along. And we had fun! Which is more than I can say for our next visit to triage...

Breaking News Sent Right to your Phone! ;)

2011-09-16T08:51:00.001-07:00

If you would like a text and a pic when Katelyn is born, please email me your cell number (rmcarter00@gmail.com). We will update Facebook and this Blog at some point with lots of info and pictures, but after receiving a few requests to receive a text, we are creating a "text group" (kind-of like a modern-day version of the 'phone tree'). :D Just make sure your phone/plan accepts multi-media messages and that you are okay with getting a text at 2am, if that is how it goes down. ;)

FULL-TERM!

2011-09-14T18:24:00.000-07:00

I am late posting an update. I usually do it once a month, which would have been 36 weeks, but life was too busy so I thought I’d wait until “full-term” at 37 weeks. I’m still a few days late, but here it is! Finally. :)

Writing down all these feelings and emotions I am experiencing as I sit here *full-term* pregnant with my baby girl has been overwhelming. So to help me get started I decided to do one of those pregnancy “surveys”. Here we go!

How Far Along: 37 weeks 5 days

Size of Baby: Um, my iPhone app says the size of a watermelon, nearly 7 pounds. Oh my goodness!

Maternity Clothes: I’ve actually grown OUT of some of my maternity clothes. I can get into them, but around my middle kind-of feels like a sausage stuffed into a casing. ;)

Weight Gain: Hard to say. It fluctuates so dramatically from appointment to appointment. I would say just over 30 pounds total.

Belly: It feels pretty big! Well, to me anyway. Practically daily I am told that I don’t look as far along as I am. I try to think of that as a blessing, that I don’t look TOO huge and miserable yet. And the doctor assures me I am still in the “normal” range, just on the small-end of normal. But from the side, I can look pretty dang pregnant, especially when I wear certain items! Like stripes! See picture below.

Stretch Marks: I finally got some about a week ago or so. They aren’t on my belly though; they are actually on my hips. I have about three small pink ones on each side.

Sleep: I now consider a night’s sleep more of a cluster of naps. It is easier to come to terms with it that way. Sometimes, I am only up 5 minutes between my “naps” and other times it could be an hour or more. I thank my acid reflux for that. I now sleep sitting straight up on the couch most nights. My standard for a “good night sleep” has been lowered quite a bit. If I go through a whole night without waking up suddenly with my mouth, nose, lungs, and even *ears* one time, full of stomach acid, I call that a good night!

Best Moments since last update: Finding out Katelyn was head down. Making some progress on the nursery. Attending newborn / childbirth classes.

Movement: She loves to shift her bum side to side making my tummy look like a waterbed. She also likes to push out her feet which feel like hard little lumps. When she sticks out a body part, I love to pat it back in. It’s our fun little game.

Symptoms: The acid reflux and the swelling are really my only big symptoms. I mean, I have backaches, a sore pelvis, my feet hurt, bloody nose bleeds, etc etc but, hello? I am carting around 7 pounds of baby! That’s to be expected.

Food Cravings: No specific cravings, although I am still eating meat like crazy!

What I Miss: I don't really miss anything. I am looking forward to being more mobile again, like standing up and walking without pausing to check my balance and if I am stable. I am a bit like the rusty tin man when I first stand up.

What I'm Looking Forward to: As of my last doctor's appointment (2 days ago), I haven't dilated at all, so I am looking forward to hearing when I am dilating. Not that I am trying to rush the delivery, but I would just love to hear that my body knows what to do. Infertility makes you feel "broken" physically, and I still deal with that a lot. So hearing I am experiencing normal symptoms and events always makes me feel good.

Weekly Wisdom: I have none. Just talking it one day at a time!

Milestones: Two words: FULL-TERM

Emotions: Excited, nervous, emotional, thankful.

Pregnancy is Beautiful!

2011-09-13T14:31:00.000-07:00

Now, I've probably mentioned in a previous entry that I've been a bit of a sweller...

First, I need to disclaim that everything looks great with the pregnancy. I have always had great blood pressure numbers, never had protein in my urine, and my weight gain is on par. So besides being really uncomfortable, there is nothing horrible about the fact that my feet swell.

But I thought it would be a fun thing to document anyway. They say pregnancy is beautiful... well it can also be a bit hilarious too.

My swelling issue started in my feet only. Ryan "affectionately" called them my Fred Flintstone Feet. One day, he drew this cute cartoon of my foot on the grocery list. It was pretty true to life. I love a man that always keeps me laughing.

Soon, the swelling spread to my ankles. This was an especially bad night. It reminds me of the Klumps...

I wish I had a picture of my foot when it was normal to compare to. This picture alone doesn't do it justice. My normal foot and ankle is about half as thick as what you see here.

Luckily, the swelling has stayed below my knees, for the most part. And waiting to see what will become of my feet each day has become a guessing game. There is no rhyme or reason to it. I avoid sodium, drink lots of water, use compression stockings, etc. Some days, your feet just have to swell anyway. So I am going with it.

And I still say pregnancy is beautiful!

Remembering

2011-09-10T20:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday marked one year since we lost our little Appleseed. Tonight I was telling Ryan everything I could remember about that day. Of course, I became emotional. In an attempt to brighten the mood, he said something like, "Look where you are now!"

That is true. We are weeks (or maybe even days) away from meeting our little girl. Anyone who knows me, spends time with me, or reads this blog understands how grateful I am for this blessing.

But one does not replace the other, and I still feel sad when I think of the teeny tiny life we lost one year ago. I just wanted to say in all the excitement of the new life that will be joining us, I have not forgotten the one we lost last September 9th.

Spoilsport

2011-09-01T07:15:00.000-07:00

If my husband saw the title of this post, he would say something like, “Okay, Grandma!” He loves to make fun of me when I use words he calls ‘old-fashioned’.

But that may be the perfect word for what I am feeling right now!

We have all seen those “breast cancer awareness” facebook status update trends… Where your purse is, bra color, shoe size, etc etc. Personally, I’ve always thought they are kind-of dumb. The idea is, you post something vague according to the instructions (“I like it on the kitchen counter”) and people wonder what you are talking about (that one describes where your purse is – on the kitchen counter – but of course it sounds sexual). You aren’t supposed to tell any “men” what it means.

Somehow, in SOME way, this is supposed to raise breast cancer awareness. I have no idea how. Reading people’s shoe size did not remind me about breast cancer. Now, if someone was posting about a fundraiser or the link to a breast cancer website, I could see that raising awareness. But who are we kidding? Is there *anyone* out there that is not aware of breast cancer? And how does this game make us aware??? Especially when you don’t tell the men, when many times MEN are the ones who notice a change in their wife’s breasts first.

Now the new cancer “game” has really rubbed me wrong. This time, you post, “I am ___ weeks and I’m craving ________.” The blanks are filled in with a number and a treat that is defined by your birthday.

Of course, when someone posts this, all others who don’t know the “game” immediately start speculating… “Are you pregnant???” and, true to the rules, the poster refuses to answer. Sound fun? Are you more aware of breast cancer now?

The whole thing is ridiculous, because of the reasons above, but this newest game really upsets me. I think back nine months ago and how it would feel reading status after status of women pretending to be pregnant and having fun with people who think they, in fact, are. I think back to after my miscarriage, how I would feel to read these updates and think, “Well, I should have been ___ weeks by now, and craving ________, but my baby is gone.”

So, maybe I’m a “spoilsport” and no fun, but I can’t wait for this fad to be over. It’s all I can do not to comment on every one of these status updates, “No, she’s not pregnant, and if you really want to learn more about breast cancer, you can start HERE.”

What a Difference a Year Makes

2011-08-22T06:23:00.000-07:00

My thoughts on the first day of school last year…

It's Just Another Day

This year, today is not just another day. Today I am 34 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Today is a miracle.

Baby

2011-08-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

She’s got a baby inside
And holds her belly tight
All through the night
Just so she knows
She’s sleeping so
Safely to keep
Her growing.

And oh when she'll open her eyes
There'll be no surprise
That she'll grow to be
So beautifully
Just like her mother
That’s carrying.

Oh baby,
She’s beauty
Baby inside
She’s loving
Oh baby,
She’s beauty
There is an angel growin’ peacefully
Oh sweet baby

And things will be hard at times
But I've learned to try
Just listening
Patiently.

Oh, sweet baby
She’s beauty
Baby inside
She’s loving
Oh, baby
Your beauty
Just like your mother
That’s carrying.

- Words taken from "Capri" by Colbie Caillat

32 Weeks - 8 Months

2011-08-07T06:36:00.000-07:00

These gorgeous photos were taken by Gwen Hawkins Photography

Friday was 32 weeks. Only 8 more weeks to go!

Things seem to be going well. I am measuring perfectly and, although I've gained more weight than I wanted to (up 25 pounds already, which was what I wanted to gain the whole pregnancy!), I am learning to be okay with it. Doc says I have plenty of fluid and Katelyn looks perfect. He also said not to make too much of the ultrasound tech's prediction (8 1/2 pound baby at delivery); he doesn't put much stock in those estimates.

As far as how I am feeling? That's something I am asked on a daily basis. I've learned everyone wants to know how the pregnant lady feels. ;) My usual reply is "pretty good", and I think that's pretty accurate. I am in the 3rd trimester, that's for sure. Things have gotten uncomfortable, but I try to take it in stride, especially because I have 8 more weeks to go. Some days are definitely tougher than others, but I seriously have no complaints. The more my body hurts, the closer to the end I am!

The acid issue is back, even with the Zantac twice a day and Tums to supplement. Several times a night, I am waking up with stomach acid in my mouth, nose and lungs. I think the thing that works the best for me is to fall asleep sitting up on the couch for the first couple hours. If I can make it through that period, then I can get in bed and lay down. So, I've found ways to adapt.

I've also discovered in the last week that I am a "sweller". My legs and feet swell. Badly. Ryan calls them "Fred Flinstone feet" and even drew a cute cartoon of what they look like (which he told me not to post). :P My ankles swell really badly too. I've tried all the "tricks" and nothing really helps. I think my only remedy is giving birth, and we are not ready to do that just yet!

Katelyn's movements have changed. She still kicks and taps, but it's become more fun to watch her move. It is a little freaky (looks like an alien is trapped in my body!), but I love seeing my belly turn into a waterbed as Katelyn makes her way across my tummy.

The nursery is coming along, even if it doesn't look that way! We have the walls painted and everything purchased to decorate, but we're stalled at actually putting it together. We want to add crown molding so once that is up, things should get going. I am still making her mobile, which takes a lot of time, so I hope to get it all done. There are a few other projects to do, namely painting Katelyn's little rocking chair and a shelf my dad made for me when I was a little girl.

Needless to say, we are getting really excited. It's been fun watching Ryan participate in the pregnancy and work so hard on the room. This is everything I dreamed it would be, and she's not even here yet! I just can't wait for the end of September.

Thoughts at 2am

2011-07-30T02:04:00.001-07:00

I think it's part of God's masterful plan that we start waking up every couple hours during the last couple months of pregnancy. Prepares you for the future. Only, in a couple months (instead of watching I Love Lucy with heartburn) I'll be holding a beautiful, albeit hungry and crying, BABY! :) Can't wait for that.

How to Nap in the Office

2011-07-29T13:08:00.000-07:00

Today I made a few discoveries...

1. My office chair reclines. A lot. When feet are propped on a client chair, it is very comfortable.
2. My sweater makes a pretty good pillow
3. I found my doorknob hanger that says “Nap in Progress” (purchased as a joke years ago and previously forgotten)
4. There is a “Do Not Disturb” button on my phone. When activated, no one can call you, buzz you on the intercom, and the phone does not ring.
5. The dark-out shades on my windows work well, even in summer.
6. Combining all of the above makes for a surprisingly restful office NAP!
7. This may become a daily occurrence.
8. A piece of chocolate makes it easier to wake up and go back to work.

So grateful I work in a place where this is okay, and I don't have to build a nap-cave under my desk, i.e., George Costanza style. (Doubt I could fit under there anymore anyway...)

Today's Ultrasound

2011-07-26T17:21:00.000-07:00

Well, we had another ultrasound. All day I kept silently telling Katelyn to keep those cute little hands out of her face so we could see her.

Today I learned our daughter has a sense of humor.

She kept her hands to her sides all right, just as mommy had wanted.

She found a different way to hide her face...

Her feet! The little stinker!

So we really couldn't see her too well throughout the ultrasound. But everything is measuring on track and she seems healthy and perfect, which is what's important. We were also able to confirm again that she's a girl.

The most surprising thing about the appointment was Katelyn's weight. I know these estimates are often wrong, but they had her weighing in at 3 pounds 7 ounces! I was impressed. Seems I'm growing her right. The tech estimated at this rate, Katelyn will be about 8 or 8 1/2 pounds at birth. Again, they are often wrong with these estimates, but it still was interesting to hear. :)

So, that was today's experience and, just for good measure, I'll end with a picture of Katelyn sticking her tongue out at us, happy to have foiled our ultrasound plans again with her contortionist ways. ;)

My Baby's Daddy

2011-07-23T17:28:00.000-07:00

I will be forever indebted to my hubby for how he's treated me this pregnancy. He is always telling me to "sit down and relax" or "don't worry about it" and he's totally appreciative about what I'm able to do. He's stepped up and does even more around the house to help (and he already did a lot). Even though I feel guilty (because I want to "do it all"), it is very nice and I'm so grateful! I picked a good one, and I can't wait to see him with our baby girl.

Baby Belly at 30 Weeks

2011-07-22T17:04:00.000-07:00

Quite a long way I've come from not wanting to take any 'belly shots', huh? Somewhere along the line I realized... Who knows what infertility has in store for me after Katelyn comes. This may be the only time I'll be pregnant like this and, although it has had its ups and downs, I never want to forget what it looked like. I never want to forget how beautiful it was.

So I asked Ryan to take a picture for me. It was out of my comfort zone for sure, but I decided not to care. I put on one of his white dress shirts, rolled up the sleeves, grabbed a flower and he snapped the photo. It was the perfect time to do it... no stretch marks (yet...), my innie belly button is still "in" (not for long!), I feel pretty good.

I want to remember this forever. For many years I wondered if I would ever be pregnant. Many times I was convinced I never would be. And here we are. In less than ten minutes, my hubby permanently captured this time in our lives. And in such a beautiful way. I love him for that.

Long Night

2011-07-19T07:14:00.001-07:00

Last night was a long night. I noticed in the evening, Katelyn was "quieter" than usual. Less kicks and movements. When I got home from our CPR class, I started my nightly kick count.

Usually, Katelyn does all 10 kicks in about 15 minutes. It has never taken longer than half an hour. At the end of the first hour, she hadn't done 10. I became a bit anxious, but I drank some lemonade, laid down on my side and started again.

In the second round, she reached 10 kicks in an hour and five minutes. This is acceptable, but not normal for her. I got out my doppler (which I haven't used for weeks) and listened for her heartbeat. It sounded normal and you could tell she was moving around in there, but her movements weren't strong enough for me to really feel them.

I felt really torn. According to the manual, I was supposed to go to L&D if she was moving less than normal. However, I felt deep down that she was fine (although I was still pretty anxious).

It was after midnight by now, so Ryan and I decided to head to bed. About 2 hours later, I awoke to use the restroom. Afterward, I just laid in bed waiting for her to move. Nothing. I felt nothing for a long time.

Sometime later Ryan woke up and asked what I was doing. I said, "Laying here feeling worried." I told him she wasn't moving at all now. I didn't know what I should do.

We listened to her heartbeat again. It was a tad slower, and we could tell she wasn't moving at all in there. Perhaps she was sleeping? I was careful not to take too much comfort in the doppler, as one of the cautions about renting is was that sometimes people ignore problems when they should get them checked out because they get a false sense of security from the doppler reading. Was that me? I wasn't sure.

I was just about to suggest we get up and go to the hospital when Ryan decided to lean over and lay his head on my belly.

Within seconds, Katelyn was up, and kicking Ryan firmly in the head. Within a minute or two, she had given him 6 good kicks (with a couple of real whoppers) and several small ones. This was the most active she had been in 12 hours. I felt myself relax a bit.

Of course, after all that, it took some time to wind down and fall back to sleep. I got about 2 more hours and now it's time for work! Today should be interesting... I kind-of feel like a walking zombie. Preparation for motherhood, I presume!

I plan to monitor Katelyn's movements today a little closer than usual, just to be sure everything is okay. I feel like she is fine. I've felt her a few times since waking up and will probably feel her more after breakfast. I wonder why she was so still last night? Do babies have days where they're just quiet and calm, even in utero? I guess that makes sense. Regardless, I hope she's back to her wiggly self today and stays that way. :) I am so grateful and relieved that everything appears okay.

Oh, and I can't wait to crawl back into bed tonight!

Be Prepared!

2011-07-17T07:41:00.000-07:00

Be Prepared: A Practical Handbook for New Dads

This book is awesome! I got it for Ryan but I can't stop reading it myself. Funny, easy to read, informative. Perfect "new dad" book for the new dad who doesn't like books! (Or, I should say, doesn't think he'd like a parenting book.)

Breastfeeding

2011-07-14T06:40:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week, I took a breastfeeding class with Ryan. We were given a ton of handouts and I’ve scanned them into a .pdf packet. If anyone would like a copy, please email me: rmcarter00@gmail.com.

200 Days

2011-07-12T20:00:00.000-07:00

The 200 best days of my life!

Last Friday marked 28 weeks of pregnancy, and today is Day 200.

80 days to go!

I can’t believe how wonderful the last 200 days have been. Yes, there have been tears, fears and heartache, but the joy has been immeasurable. Daily, I have moments when I stop and think, “Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I am finally going to be a mom.” I still have worries I will wake up and this will all be some sort of crazy dream. I can’t believe this is my life!

Last night, Ryan and I went to a breastfeeding education class. It was very informative and we were both glad we went. What absolutely shocked me (and Ryan) was how MISERABLE most of the women acted. Most were further along than me by about a month, but I have never seen so many women grunting, groaning, sighing, asking their husbands to rub their back, etc etc. At one point, it was all I could do not to stand on my chair and scream, “What are you moaning about??? Don’t you know you are among the most blessed women in the world? Women who are about to become mothers! Do you know how many women would give anything to be you right now?” Frustrating!

I am so grateful for the perspective I have on this whole experience. I have had my little bumps in the road during pregnancy, but overall I have been unimaginably blessed and I wouldn’t change a thing. Every time I am asked how I’m feeling (a daily occurrence), I am able to respond with an enthusiastic and sincere, “Great!” The inquirer usually shoots me a skeptical look or asks, “Really?” I just smile.

Life is a miracle and I get to carry my miracle around with me everywhere I go. Doesn’t get much better than that!

Day 200:

Another Day, Another Appointment

2011-07-05T23:05:00.000-07:00

The doctor’s appointments are coming fast and furious now… I am getting on the “every other week” cycle. Ryan was able to come with me today, which was so nice. I rewarded him with lunch and a movie date afterward!

Everything still looks great. My uterus is measuring fine and… great news! No Gestational Diabetes! I was relieved. I didn’t ask what my number was, but Nurse R said all my numbers look ‘very, very good… excellent’, so I just let that be. This will be the last blood test before childbirth, which was nice to hear.

One downer at the appointment? I gained 2 pounds too much this month. Nurse R attributed that to the holiday and the weather… too much salt and water retention. Even so, I guess I should watch it before it gets out of control. Katelyn just makes me want salty foods and sweet/sour treats! At least I am still in the “normal” range for weight gain, albeit on the higher side of normal (19 lbs gained thus far). Anyway, I’m going to try harder to be better.

Lastly, we scheduled our next 3D ultrasound. Just a few more weeks. :)

Every Morning

2011-07-03T08:10:00.001-07:00

Just about every morning, I wake up feeling normal, like my usual self, like the same me I've been for so very long.

Then I feel my daughter move or kick and I remember things are not the same. I become giddy because I just can't believe this is my life now.

I can't imagine the feeling I'll have when I wake up and actually see her face, to wake up every morning and realize I am finally a mother.

Every woman in the world deserves this kind-of feeling. I pray that those who desire it will find it soon.

Sweet Moments and Exciting Adventures

2011-06-30T19:41:00.000-07:00

Ryan and I snapped this picture on a recent trip to our temple. I am about 26 weeks along here. I love this man more than anything. He does so much for me and I am beyond blessed to have him. He's pretty dang handsome too...

--------------------

On Sunday, I was spending the afternoon resting and watching Food Network. Ryan was asleep next to me on the couch. In fact, everyone in our house was asleep... Ryan, Cosmo and Bella. I was the only one awake, but that seems to be standard lately.

I take it back. Katelyn was awake too. In fact she was kicking so hard, I lifted up my shirt to watch. About that time, Cosmo woke up from his nap and wondered over to me. One thing you should know about Cosmo, he's not much of a cuddler. He cuddles with you on his own terms, and it's not too often. Well, that day he wanted to cuddle. In fact, he wanted to rest his head on my lap and place his paw right on my big ol' belly. Katelyn gave it a few good kicks, but that didn't fase him a bit.

About an hour later, Bella joined him on my lap. Now I had all three babies resting on (or inside) my belly. Very warm, but very sweet too.

It's been neat to see both my kitties cuddle up with my belly lately, even that one time when Katelyn kicked Bella right in the head. Bella's look of confusion was simply priceless. :)

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The fabric for Katelyn's room should arrive tomorrow! Woot woot!

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I have had horrible heartburn, but I've been tolerating it. What I couldn't tolerate was waking up with my nose and mouth full of stomach acid. I would literally breathe it into my lungs. Nothing was working (not even sleeping sitting up!). Luckily, several friends suggested a Zantec before bed. I have tried that and it has helped immensely.

--------------------

I never thought I was the kind-of girl to *ever* paint her little girl's room pink. Pink??? Bleck! Well, this week we bought the paint for Katelyn's room...

Any guesses what color we got??? :P

Never say never!

Ryan's already painted it too (except for a small area to finish up). What a wonderful daddy he is!

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I always thought that "pregnancy brain" was just an excuse for pregnant women to get attention or be inconsiderate. While I am not convinced that it is literally an illness ;), I will say I have been *very* distracted lately and have done some crazy things. This has included sitting at a stop sign for well over a minute or two, waiting for the "light" to turn green, completely mixing up client situations at work, nearly missing important meetings and events because I "forgot", etc. It's been hard to think about anything but my darling little girl!

--------------------

Today I went for my Gestational Diabetes blood test. I don't have the results yet, but I am still giddy that I actually had to go and do it. That means I am far enough along in my pregnancy for that type of testing. What a wonderful place to be! Now I just hope I pass!

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I felt Katelyn's get the hiccups! I think this was my first time feeling that happen. :) I never knew hiccups could be so cute...

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If there is one thing to be said about my pregnancy, it has been eventful! I have been very blessed, avoiding any real complications and for that I am so grateful. But as for the "little things", there have been one after another! Not all are necessarily related to my pregnancy, but they are all happening in the last several months.

The latest was a kitchen fiasco. Here is some background... I am *horrible* in the kitchen. I mean, I bake well and cook decently, but I am beyond clumsy. Burns, cuts, messes, you name it. So, I finally bought myself some nice kitchen knives. Because Ryan knows me all too well, he cautioned me to be careful and not cut myself. As I was chopping green onions, I was rejoicing in how easily this new, sharp knife sliced through my large stack of onions. I guess I stopped paying attention to where my thumb was and whoops! I lost my thumbprint. As in the pad of my thumb. Sliced clean off.

After giving me a long lecture about paying attention when I am using a knife, Mr. Crime Scene Investigator snapped these pics "for posterity". My goodness, I've learned my lesson about paying attention!

Apparently, the skin should all 'regenerate' itself over time and Ryan said even my thumbprint will return...

Disclaimer: Some people find these pics pretty gross, so don't scroll down if you are easily disgusted. I think they are funny.

--------------------

So that's the update around here! Life simply doesn't get better than this. :)

Thankful for my Wiggler

2011-06-23T16:25:00.000-07:00

I am so thankful to have such an active baby. I never have the chance to worry about her, because I feel her all the time. There have been so many times I have thought, “I haven’t felt Katelyn move in a while” and within a minute I am feeling her again. I felt her early (14 weeks) and I feel her often. Barely an hour goes by that I don’t feel her. Despite becoming a quiet “ball baby” during every ultrasound, she is the last thing I feel when I go to sleep, and she kicks me good morning when I wake up. Morning, noon and night she is moving. God must have known I would need constant reassurance, and His tender mercy was to give me a wiggler. And I am so thankful.

A Back-tastrophe!

2011-06-22T07:30:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, I started to develop a pain. It was in the lower part of my back, right around the waistline, not on my spine but to the left. Each day, it hurt worse than the last. I asked around about a masseuse and a few people recommended their chiropractor.

Then, quite quickly, it became so much worse. With each step I took, an excruciating pain would seize up in that spot, almost to the point of being stuck in whatever position I was currently in. In fact, there were several times I was stuck. Ryan would have to come and help me and, when he wasn’t there, I would have to find some way to crawl myself out of it. My record was a full three minutes trying to stand up from the toilet. Funny now, not so funny then!

It got to the point that I simply couldn’t do anything. If I dropped something, I couldn’t pick it up. I had a hard time getting into bed. I couldn’t sit, lay down or stand comfortably. And forget walking! That was the worst! My left leg, ankle and foot swelled up severely and nothing I did made it better.

I called the masseuse. She told me it was my hip separating and stretching and that the pain would only get worse as I got bigger. Only get worse??? Any worse and I would be completely incapacitated!

I went to the chiropractor. I cried through the entire appointment as he also blamed my hip and told me it would get worse over time. He gave me several remedies to help. I tried them all and just when I thought it couldn’t hurt any worse, it got worse.

I asked for advice and received a lot of, “Sorry, this is common in pregnancy… not much you can do! P.S. It’s going to get worse!” Ahhh! This was beyond confusing because I see pregnant women every day, and most of them aren’t gasping in pain with every step…

Last Tuesday, the pain was unbelievable. Tears fell from my eyes with every step I took. I was at my wits end. It goes without saying that I would endure *anything* for the chance at motherhood, and that thought was never far from my mind. I consistently comforted myself with the knowledge that Katelyn was lounging away inside my belly with no clue what was going on. That gave me so much strength, because physically and mentally I was struggling. I had never been in that much consistent physical pain in my life and the urging of everyone to ‘get used to it’ was driving me insane.

Only Ryan knew how serious this really was (especially Tuesday night when I called him in so much pain, home alone, and practically unable to move). At one point, I tried to get into bed and found myself planted face-first into the pillow, with no way to get myself out of that position. This was NOT normal. Or at least it wasn’t how I was going to spend my last 3 months of pregnancy.

Finally, I threw out all the advice, tried to forget all the negative feedback, and went with my gut. I asked Ryan to give me a blessing and I decided I was going to try to fix it on my own terms. I rested. I worked through the pain until I found a way to sit and I sat there. I stopped all the suggestions (ice, heat, yoga, massage, certain stretches, etc) and just rested. I got up to use the restroom and that was it. I did this for a day or so.

Then, I continued to rest, but started including a little light walking. As the days went on, I started to improve. My guess is I had a pinched nerve and the muscles around it were swollen and inflamed. Perhaps everything I was trying before made the problem worse. As of now, I only feel the clench in my back about 15 times a day, the feeling isn’t nearly as severe, and it’s getting better each day. I am so grateful!

And guess what? Now that my 'real' problem has calmed down, I am feeling what everyone told me was ‘normal’. I do have pain in my hips and lower back area, and at times it can hurt pretty good. Sometimes the pain spasms up and sometimes it’s a dull ache. I am feeling all those things people told me my ‘back-tastrope’ was, and I bet those aches and pains WILL get worse as I get bigger. But what I was feeling the last 2 weeks was NOT that. It was different. I feel vindicated.

So if this returns, I now know what I need… rest. And confidence. The confidence to rely on my gut and do what it tells me to do. The confidence to keep a positive attitude and believe that things will get better (despite hearing multiple times that it won’t). I am so grateful for what I’ve learned through this, and most of all I am grateful that little Katelyn never even knew it happened. ;)

P.S. I am giving my back another week of rest. Then I plan to re-institute stretching, yoga, etc to help this not occur again – if I can help it!

The First Time I Saw Your Face

2011-06-15T14:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, we had our first 3D ultrasound. At just over 24 weeks, Katelyn's still a little small for the 3D, super skinny and still developing. We decided to go for it anyway!

True to form, she curled in a tight ball and hid her face the whole time with her cute little hands. This girl must be camera shy. You would never know this is one of the most active babies around, kicking, punching and dancing almost hourly.

Even with the shyness, we still loved seeing a sneak peak at our baby girl. And speaking of girl, we did receive further confirmation that she is a girl. Not a rock solid confirmation though... the only time Katelyn's hands left her face was to cover herself up when we focused on that area. What a stinker. :)

Next 3D is in about 6 weeks.

She was curled in a ball with her hands by her face the whole time. Even so, she was beautiful. What a wonderful experience seeing her for the first time!

Hands in her mouth :) My little sweetheart.

For reference sake, our baby girl now weighs 1lb 7oz and was measuring 4 days behind (nothing to be concerned about though - babies hardly ever measure their exact day this far along). Everything looked perfect.

So Hard

2011-06-13T17:30:00.000-07:00

I think Katelyn likes music. She starts moving and kicking when I play it most times. So either she likes it or she’s trying to tell me to turn that racket off! I’m going to go with the idea that she likes it.

I have been trying to play a variety of different music when I am driving in the car, just to see what she responds to. I know there is probably not much to this, but it’s been fun to do anyway. A few days back, a song came on that I typically skip out of habit. I had skipped it all throughout our struggle with infertility, but for some reason I never actually took it off my iPod. When it came on this time though, I didn’t skip it.

It felt like a given
Something a woman's born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard

As soon as this song started, Katelyn began to move and kick. Nothing more than a coincidence I’m sure, but it hit me really strong. Something about hearing those words and feeling my baby kick was very overwhelming. It was one of ‘those’ moments.

Our time through infertility was SO hard. Not as hard as others' trials, but the longest and hardest trial I have ever faced. And although I am pregnant now, I still feel it there. Even when I hold my baby in 4 short months, it will still be there. It will always be there. Duller, easier and much more manageable, but still there.

I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully

I am constantly amazed by my fellow infertility warriors, especially those who continue to support me throughout the pregnancy. I know how hard that can be because I’ve been there. I am blown away by your supportive comments on here and on Facebook. It is stunning. It touches me so deeply and no matter what words I try to use to express how I feel, they aren’t enough.

Sometimes life is SO hard. But the reward at the end is so very sweet. Praying we all get our sweet reward soon.

24 Weeks

2011-06-12T15:59:00.000-07:00

This month of pregnancy went by a bit faster than in months back, which was a welcome change. Still I am living my life in weeks, trying to keep anxiety at bay, and enjoying every minute I can.

We've made it to 24 weeks! It hasn't escaped my notice that many professionals consider this the 'age of viability', meaning greater than half of the babies born at this point will survive. As exciting as it is to make it to this point, Katelyn is under strict orders to stay in there and keep cooking for a long time!

Heartburn is a daily occurrence now. Maybe I am growing Katelyn some hair, but we'll see about that. ;) My biggest struggle has been my lower back, which has progressed from a backache (which was managed by stretches and rest) to being flat-out out of alignment (as in I can't even stand up on my own). I am looking into options to help.

Other than that, things could not be better. Katelyn's heartbeat has continued to be normal and I am so grateful. I still cry on nearly a daily basis because I can not believe that this is my life. It comes on suddenly without warning. An extra strong kick, or just looking down at my growing belly, can set it off.

As for food (something always on the top of my mind) I have gotten full-on into cooking again. Things I have been craving are MEAT, chips, sour candy and milk chocolate. It is amazing how much I want meat now. What happened to the girl who didn't eat meat??? I am definitely channeling the Phoebe character from "Friends" during her pregnancy. I fought it for a while, but I have just given up and given in.

There have been many exciting moments this month... my awesome doctor's appointment, seeing the furniture arrive, seeing my feet swell... but the best moment by far was the evening of June 5th. That is when Ryan felt Katelyn kick for the very first time. I had been feeling her since week 14, but she always stopped performing whenever there was a hand on my belly (even mine!). Finally, that night, she was really going to town. I grabbed Ryan's hand and put it on my belly. Within a couple seconds, she kicked him right in the hand. Ryan just looked at me. He didn't say much, but I know it was a very special moment for him, for both of us, and I'll never forget it.

At 24 weeks:

Last Week’s Appointment

2011-06-08T07:02:00.000-07:00

I am really behind in my blogging. Everything has been so busy… work, home, church. But I need to document last week’s doctor’s appointment, as it was really special to me. Because I waited so long to write about it, I have lost some of the specifics, but I still smile when I think about how wonderful I felt after that appointment.

I met with Nurse R this time. Basically, everything is “perfect” with both Katelyn and I. In fact, she must have used the word “perfect” about 20 times.

We listened to Katelyn's heartbeat. It sounded beautiful. No skipped beats to be heard.

We reviewed last month’s ultrasound. Katelyn’s growth is perfect. The placenta is placed nicely. The blood flow in and out of the uterus was great. All of my screening produced really low ratios (1/5000 for Down’s; 1/10,000 for the other syndromes tested). My blood work is phenomenal (Nurse R said the results were beautiful for a woman in general, and even more so for a pregnant woman).

Everything about how my body is handling pregnancy is perfect. Perfect blood pressure (it’s been 120/60 the last 3 appointments), weight gain (12 pounds at 23 weeks), measurements (belly measures right on track – 3 cm over belly button), etc. She said if you were to write a textbook, it could be based on this pregnancy (even with my heart rate scares and aura headaches).

It is not that I am a pessimistic person, but getting pregnant was so difficult, I just assumed I would have a difficult pregnancy too. I am amazed and indescribably blessed that things have gone so well. I know that many other women do not get the same great news at their OB appointments. My heart breaks for them, and I am just feeling very, very grateful.

Update on my auras / seizures: I went ahead with the EEG and all results look normal. I am almost afraid to say it as I don’t want to jinx myself, but I haven’t had an episode in over two weeks now. Dr M said 1/3 of all women get worse as pregnancy progresses, 1/3 get better and 1/3 stay the same. Is it possible I could be part of the 1/3 who get better??? I am hopeful!

From Baby Steps to Giant Leaps of Faith

2011-06-03T06:52:00.000-07:00

Well, my 1 week deadline passed and I still did not clean out the nursery closet (previously used for storage). However, I am happy to report that is on the agenda for this weekend.

Even though I missed my deadline, I have been making progress. Big progress. Giant leaps of faith.

Within a 2 day time period this week, we purchased nearly every expensive item Katelyn will want/need when she gets here… this includes furniture, breast pump, swing, stroller, car seat, pack n play… you name it. All that I have left to buy are a couple of larger items (high chair, another car seat base, etc) and the rest of the smaller stuff (boppy, bath supplies, clothing, etc).

If that isn’t enough, last night we took the swing out of the package, put it together, and *threw away the box*. (If that’s not faith, I don’t know what is. :)) Ryan seemed curious why I insisted on doing that at 9 ‘o clock at night, but I just needed to. I needed put it together and watch it work. I needed it all to feel real.

So all of these packages and deliveries are coming to our home and it is quickly filling up with baby paraphernalia. Cosmo and Bella are wondering what is going on, and getting used to a litterbox housed in the laundry room. Changes are happening and I am, obviously unable to let my guard down entirely, but feeling a bit more comfortable.

One of the highlights of those two days was walking out of Babies R Us with a receipt in my hand after purchasing the furniture. I had fallen in love with this set months ago, but it was hard to come by. The crib had a hard time staying in stock, especially once they released a coupon for $300 off the set. Finally, I just started calling asking if one was in. As soon as one was, I dropped everything, headed in there and bought it, along with the 2 dressers. With the coupon (and additional monies off), I got a great deal and it should be in next weekend.

Of course, my bedding will be different, but here it is:

Sometimes in life, you just have to take that leap, even if it might feel scary. I am working on it!

A Special Moment

2011-05-29T13:32:00.000-07:00

I had a special moment today...

For the past 5 months, I've taught the 4-year-old children at church. Today was my last day. As we were doing 'singing time', the little girl next to me leaned over and rested her head on my arm. She then placed her hand on my belly and rubbed it a little and asked,

"What is that? Is this your baby?"

"Yes, I have a baby in there."

"Is it a boy or a girl?"

"It's a little girl."

"My mommy showed me a picture of your baby on the computer...
(An ultrasound picture off Facebook, most likely)
She is so pretty."

That moment was just so sweet and tender, I wanted to remember it forever. For a woman who wondered for years if I would ever have a child, words can't say how touching that moment was.

I'm a Work in Progress

2011-05-23T07:50:00.000-07:00

Early this morning, I read a blog post from my friend, Sarah. She was talking about her “spare room” and the longing she has to turn it into a nursery. Her words really resonated with me. I, too, have a spare room. It started about 7 years ago when I insisted we rent a 2 bedroom apartment, so we would have room for a baby. When we bought our house nearly 5 years ago, it had 3 bedrooms. We made one our bedroom, one a music room and threw everything else we didn’t know what to do with into the 3rd bedroom. We even called it the “3rd bedroom”.

As the years went by, I began to wonder if it would always be just the “3rd bedroom”. Part of me wanted to change it into something else, but the other part couldn’t bear to do it. So it just sat.

When I became pregnant this time around, I told Ryan I was going to jump in right away and get to work on that room. But I haven’t. Because there is so much to buy, I thought I would start making purchases immediately. But I haven’t. I am 5 ½ months pregnant and I haven’t even begun to clean out the bedroom closet. I’ve bought one thing for the nursery (the baby monitor). That’s it. I’ve had the time and energy to do it. But I haven’t.

I kept giving myself deadlines… I’ll start cleaning when the morning sickness is better. I’ll buy something with my next paycheck. When I find out the gender. When I confirm the gender. When Ryan and I have days off together. New deadlines I never meet.

Why is that? I am beyond excited. What is my problem then? After reading Sarah’s post today I realized… I’m scared. For so long I wondered if I would ever have a baby’s room. I stopped imagining what it would look like. I stopped thinking how I’d decorate it. I pushed it out of my mind and pretended that room didn’t exist.

Now that the time is here when I can finally create my child’s bedroom, I feel intimidated. Scared. Unrealistically afraid that in doing so, I will ‘jinx’ myself. If I let myself be too excited and carefree, it will hurt more if all of this is taken away. Every item I buy and every decoration I make would be one more reminder of what we’ve lost if we were to lose her.

I am starting to wonder if I need some help in dealing with these emotions. It’s like I have a mild form of PTSD or something. I have to make a concerted effort not to visualize the bad things that could happen. I won’t go into detail, but I would like this to get better.

Just writing it out has been helpful, as jumbled as this blog post may be. I think I need to face my anxiety, have some faith and jump in with both feet. It is a disservice to those 7 years of infertility, and all the other women still waiting, if I don’t enjoy this to the fullest. And my daughter deserves a mom who isn’t paralyzed by fear.

I took a big step and chose the colors for the room, and I have some ideas of what I’d like to do. My next goal is to clean out the closet within one week. Baby steps…

Room Colors

2011-05-22T18:12:00.000-07:00

After weeks of searching, I think I have found the fabric I want to use for Katelyn's room. I don't think it is possible to express how big of a deal it is that I finally made a decision. I don't plan to have a "theme" so much; just fabric prints and colors I love, kind of eclectic, where every item is something special chosen just for her.

Our crib and dresser are dark espresso-stained wood. My mom offered to make the crib blanket out of the chosen fabrics. We're planning on a neutral wall color and drapes, with touches of color around the room. Some of the special things we are planning are: refinish and distress Ryan's childhood rocking chair and rocking horse, homemade decor for the walls, a special 'vintage' looking handmade doll, and other little odds and ends picked out by mom.

I am not a decorator. Not even close. I'm not artistic or very creative. Even so, this is something I really want to do for my little girl. I want this to be my gift to her, which is why I agonize over every little decision (while still loving every minute of it). I have no idea how this all will turn out, but at least we'll have fun in the process!

In the meantime, here is my starting point, the fabrics I have chosen for the room:
They don't look quite the same on the computer as they do in person, but it gives the idea.

(I haven't actually ordered these yet. As I was just about to order, I hesitated and decided to wait until after our next ultrasound, just to have a secondary confirmation that this is Katelyn growing in my belly. I've had another couple dreams about having a little boy, and I just want to be as sure as possible before pulling out the debit card. ;) I feel pretty confident this is her, I'm just being a bit cautious. Aren't I always???)

Just Relax

2011-05-20T11:42:00.000-07:00

I absolutely *hated* this phrase when we were struggling with infertility. It is blaming, condescending, demoralizing, not to mention not factually based and no help at all!

But now I am telling myself these 2 words because in this instance they will actually do me some good.

I am taking a deep breath and trusting my baby to grow as she should, and trusting my body to help her do that.

I woke up this morning and listened to Katelyn's heartbeat. In true Carter-fashion, her heart was beating perfectly, just in time for our doctor's appointment. The little stinker. ;) It was a relief to hear it sounding so nice, but now I wondered how this appointment would go.

Of course, a couple hours later, it continued to beat beautifully as the Nurse G took a listen.

Just in case, Nurse G also took a peak with the ultrasound machine. She was surprised as Katelyn’s heart instantly came into view, a perfectly clear picture of all four chambers. Nurse G remarked that she hardly ever saw the four chambers of the heart so clearly on their ratty old machine. But there they were, beating and pumping away with a textbook rhythmic motion.

I asked Nurse G to listen to a recording of what Katelyn’s heart sounded like on Tuesday, with the missing beats. She did, but told me she couldn’t diagnose or give me much feedback on it. She said Katelyn must have been moving and that’s why I was losing heartbeats. I remain highly skeptical because I have heard the difference between losing heartbeats from movement and what I was hearing this time... but, I digress.

The next step in this process would be a fetal echo cardiogram. This would be done at Children’s Hospital. She asked if I wanted to take this next step. I told her not at this time. Instead, I’m going to “just relax”. And here’s why:

If a problem was discovered, they would not do anything while in utero. They would wait until Katelyn was born and then assess the issues at that time, if there were any. In other words, “There is nothing they can do for her now".
I will have several more check-ups and ultrasounds prior to delivery. As Katelyn grows, we could see any potential issues much more clearly. There isn’t any reason to think an irregular heartbeat will hurt her growth or delay her in any way at this point.
In another month or so, she will be too big to flip around in my uterus as much as she is now. Thus, if the heartbeat is still skipping, it could no longer be dismissed as “losing the heartbeat due to movement”.
In her ultrasound today, she was punching both hands and kicking both feet. Nurse G said that indicates she has good circulation to all her extremities and the blood is flowing well. If one side was limp, it would hint at a problem.
From what I’ve read on the internet (which we all know is the best place to get factual information – haha), most all of these cases resolve themselves on their own, with no explanation for the irregularity. There is no reason to think this will be any different.
Katelyn is an incredibly active baby. According to Nurse G, that is the number one indicator that the baby is healthy and thriving. It would be more productive to count kicks and monitor activity daily than to listen to the rate of her heartbeat.
The biggest reason I’ve decided to “just relax”? On Tuesday night, my husband gave me a priesthood blessing that has brought me a lot of comfort and peace. I am ready to try and let it go.

As I have said from the beginning, I am not closed off to the idea that it could be machine error or Katelyn’s movement causing her heart to sound differently. I may have my own gut feelings, but I am the first to admit I have a lot of fear and anxiety, just like any new mom, especially because of the long road we've traveled to get here.

So for now, I am concentrating on those beautiful little baby kicks, and I am putting the doppler away. I am so blessed in so many ways… and I am thankful for an active baby who will nudge her mama periodically and tell her to “just relax”.

Appleseed’s Due Date

2011-05-19T19:00:00.000-07:00

In September 2010 we lost our little Appleseed, our first pregnancy. At some point, during the bliss of the positive pregnancy results, I had googled my due date. I knew it wasn’t ‘official’ until the doctor confirmed it, so I didn’t pay much attention to the specific date other than to note it was right near Mother’s Day.

How perfect, I thought. After 7 years of waiting (exactly), I find out we’re expecting on our anniversary with a due date near Mother’s Day. Life couldn’t be better.

A week or so later, the world came crashing down, and that date I googled became a distant memory.

On Mother’s Day, I thought about our Appleseed. I wondered what that day would have been like if he or she had made it. Would I have a brand new baby? Or would I be waddling along, praying for labor to begin?

There were a few friends and a couple acquaintances that became pregnant at the same time I did. Over the past couple of weeks, I have seen their birth announcements, new baby pictures, etc. I think about our Appleseed and it makes me sad and wistful. He or she would have been here by now too, right? I wasn’t sure.

I didn’t want to know Appleseed’s due date prior to that day. I can’t explain why. But as I watched my last friend give birth to her May baby, I figured it was time. Last night, I again googled my due date: May 12th, last Thursday.

I am so grateful to have Katelyn at this time in my life. She does not replace our Appleseed, just like she doesn’t take away the pain of losing Andie. I love all my babies. But it is such a comfort to have Katelyn with me, to touch my belly and know that one of my babies is still here and, Lord willing, I will be able to mother her in person in only 4 more months.

-------------------------

Update on Katelyn's heartbeat: It is still skipping beats, although sometimes more frequently than others. I was able to get an appointment with Nurse G tomorrow morning.

Katelyn's Heartbeat

2011-05-17T13:27:00.000-07:00

I guess I didn't find the cause of Katelyn's irregular heartbeat after all. It has returned. Bummer. :( Just as Dr. M instructed, I called and asked to come in. Again, I got the run around. It is so frustrating to have a wonderful doctor who tells you to contact him, and then deal with his staff who makes that almost impossible.

So most of today has consisted of waiting. Watching for the phone to ring and waiting...

Thank You

2011-05-15T17:35:00.001-07:00

I just wanted to say thank you for the sweet comments on my post, A Message. I was not expecting such an outpouring of support. It really touched my heart. Thank you.

20 Weeks - Half-way there

2011-05-15T16:37:00.001-07:00

My 20 week mark was a bit of an adventure.

The night before I hit 20 weeks, I listened to Katelyn's heartbeat with my home doppler for the first time in about a week. I noticed it sounded like her heart was periodically skipping a beat. I thought it was because she was moving around so much and maybe I was hearing it wrong.

The next morning, I listened again, and she was definitely skipping beats. Other times it seemed the beats were too close together or her heart rate got a little bit faster then slower.

I read online that heart arrhythmias happen to a small percentage of babies, and rarely indicates a serious problem, but I still felt a bit nervous. I did what Dr. M always told me to do if there were any changes or I felt concerned, I called his office.

A couple hours later, his assistant returned my call. Dr. M was out of the office that day. She tried to tell me I’m not really hearing a missing heartbeat, that my machine is just malfunctioning. (Well, I’m sorry, but I have the exact same machine you use.) She said that maybe I am just hearing my own heartbeat, or that I’m just not hearing it right. (I’m not an idiot. I’ve been listening to my baby’s heartbeat for almost 3 months now. I know when it’s different. It’s one thing to tell me an irregular heartbeat is not a problem; I was expecting to hear that. But don’t try to dismiss what I know I am hearing.)

Then she says they can’t see me until next Friday. So I ask her, “Just *assume* my baby’s heartbeat is irregular, is that something to be concerned about?” and she says it is, because it can indicate a problem. So why not believe me then and check it out sooner??? Honestly, I expected them to call and say don’t worry about it. I did not expect them to not believe me. Ryan is the last person in the world to overreact about something or make a big deal and the minute he heard Katelyn's heartbeat he said, “That’s not right”. He still wasn’t super concerned, but even he knew right away it was different.

She said she'd try to find an earlier appointment for me and would call me back. I cried for about an hour. It's an awful feeling to believe something might be wrong, but have no one believe you.

Luckily, Dr. M called me back instead of his assistant. I didn't hear the call, so he left me a voicemail. He said that abnormal heartbeats usually appear around mid-20 weeks of your pregnancy, and since I’m only 20 weeks, that’s why they were thinking it might be the machine. But he said he trusts what I hear, so if I am feeling really worried about it, he wanted me to go to Labor and Delivery and have them check it out since he was out of the office on family business. Otherwise, I should call Monday morning and they’ll get me in Monday or Tuesday. It was just nice to hear someone validate what I *knew* I was hearing (and Ryan heard, and my mom heard - via a phone call…).

I did not go to L&D. Instead, I did some research. I saw a few explanations regarding why Katelyn's heartbeat would be irregular. One was dehydration and another was caffeine. I drank a caffeinated soda the day before because I was having one of my migraines. Although I had done that before without any ill effects, I still I wondered about it. Just in case, I began drinking a ton of water.

I also found an interesting study... it linked cocoa butter to fetal heart arrhythmias. While there was some debate on the topic, there were conclusive findings that the use of this product caused some babies to have an irregular heartbeat, most likely due to the absorption of caffeine through the skin. Another group of doctors found that simply having the cocoa butter product on your skin can cause false doppler readings, making the heartbeat appear to be irregular. All very interesting.

After my ultrasound the previous Thursday (where Katelyn's heartbeat was regular and normal), I began using cocoa butter all over my mid-section. I had been using it for a week when I listened to her heartbeat again and found it irregular. I am very sensitive to caffeine. Could it be that my little girl is the same way?

I immediately washed the cocoa butter off my skin and continued flushing my system with water. Within 12 hours, her heartbeat sounded a bit better. 24 hours later, there were no more skipped heartbeats, but it still wasn't quite normal. As of tonight, she seems to be back on schedule.

I know that this incident could have been caused by anything. It could have been a fluke or maybe the nurse was right and my machine was acting up. As much as I hate to think something I was doing was causing the arrhythmia, I still can't help wondering if the caffeine had something to do with it. Regardless, I am relieved that she seems to be doing better. And the cocoa butter is put away for good.

Somewhere in the midst of all this chaos, Ryan snapped a 20 week pic. I know I fought the idea of doing regular 'belly pics' at first, but I have to admit, I am loving watching this belly grow each month.

And a few new things about pregnancy... My body feels like an old woman's if I get up after sitting too long, it's hard to stand on my right leg because of a weird tendon that is constantly feels 'pulled', Katelyn is doing less popcorn movements and more kicks, my feet swelled up for the first time, I am tired but have a feeling I will never sleep through the night again, and I am loving it all.

A Message

2011-05-09T12:34:00.000-07:00

After a comment and a couple emails, I have something I need to say...

I apologize if my pregnancy posts hurts anyone in any way. That thought torments me with every picture I post or pregnancy tidbit I share. In real life, on Facebook, and here. I have posted, deleted, re-posted and edited the heck out of each one, trying to make it okay. Some people find hope in what I write, but other people don't. Either way, I have to record this journey. I recorded the years and years of heartache and disappointment... every harsh detail. The purpose of this blog was to write my story to share with my children someday (see my sidebar: "Purpose of this blog"). That has to include the miracle that has found its way into our life.

I wish for all women who desire children to have their dreams to come true. For several years, I watched friend after friend (in real life and blog-friends) with infertility finally realize their dream, while I kept waiting. I did not begrudge them. Seeing their pregnancies hurt though, and I fully recognize that feeling. I hate to make anyone feel sadness or pain.

Reading through my posts since the pregnancy, one can see that infertility is still with me, still part of my every day existence. I have not forgotten where I once was, and I never will. Although with this blessing there is a huge guilt that follows me, I know that I will continue to support, love and lift up those who are struggling. And in the end, that's all I can do.

If you are no longer able to read my blog, that is okay. There are no hard feelings. My hope is that you can find those places which are most supportive and helpful to you, and if I'm not one of them anymore, I completely understand. Just know you are always in my thoughts and prayers. I have a huge amount of love for you and compassion for the trial that you bear right now.

Beanie has a Name!

2011-05-09T06:45:00.000-07:00

On May 5, 2000, my high school sweetheart anxiously waited for me to get home from work. I was a server at the local Mimi's Cafe and my shift ended quite late. When I got home to my parents' house, he was waiting for me. Still in my uniform, he guided me up a ladder and onto the roof, where he soon proposed.

On May 5, 2011, I held the hand of that same sweetheart as we walked into the perinatologist's office for our second trimester ultrasound. That day would be the day when we learned the identity of our first child... the child we wanted for a very long time... our miracle baby.

Boy or girl? Jack or Katelyn? Who would be joining us in September?

The ultrasound tech was cautious to make a declaration. She wanted to be really sure. Soon she mentioned she thought she knew, and she told us. A huge smile spread across both our faces. The tech kept looking and soon confirmed it again. Finally, she stated, "If it were me, I'd paint the nursery." She seemed pretty convinced.

As we all know, ultrasounds are not 100% accurate. We will be looking to our 3D ultrasound in about a month to confirm. In the meantime, we are over the moon and can not wait to meet this baby...

GIRL!

Katelyn Marie Carter

Her name is very special. We have known our first daughter's name for over a decade now. My mother's name is Kathy. My mother, sister and I all have the middle name Lyn (or Lynn). Ryan's mother's middle name is Marie and his grandma Nanny's middle name is Marie as well. Lots of women are represented in our daughter's name.

We loved watching our little girl on the big ultrasound screen. Here are some highlights...

We call her our little "ball baby". She likes to be curled up in a tiny ball. In several of the pics, her knees are practically touching her nose! The tech said she’s going to like to be swaddled. I am glad she is snuggled in tight.

What a wonderful day that was! And what exciting news. But we kept the secret until Mother's Day. I didn't get to tell my parents we were pregnant in the way I had planned, so I settled for an in-person reveal of baby's gender.

I bought a pink picture frame that read, "It's a Girl!", placed an ultrasound picture inside and wrapped it up. After church on Sunday, we went to my parents' house. On the way, we called Ryan's mom, step-mom and grandma and told them about Katelyn. When we got to my parents', most of my family was there waiting. My mom unwrapped the picture frame and delightful chaos ensued.

After 7 Mother's Days full of heartache and tears, what a wonderful memory has been added now. This will be the day we told our family about Katelyn.

I still struggle to find another word for grateful, as that one is just not good enough...

Mother's Day - Do you know the secret?

2011-05-08T08:07:00.000-07:00

Do you know the true origin of Mother's Day?

I do.

I read it last night.

This was not a day to celebrate mothers, as noble a cause as that is.

This day was started in 1870 by women who had lost their sons in the Civil War.

Mother's Day was started by bereaved mothers.

It was a a peaceful call to action for women to protect children everywhere. The real feelings of this day started with pain, loss and grief. The *mothers* were honoring their *children*, and each other.

Now we have the 'Mother's Day' we all know. Somewhere in all the celebration, women who are enduring the original feelings of this holiday... pain, loss grief... are pushed aside by many and told that mothers 'deserve to be honored because they work so hard', while their turn to be recognized has to wait until someone calls them "mom", if that day ever comes.

I acknowledge this day for everything it has become, but also for everything it originally was. The women who started this tradition would not want me to simply prop myself up on pillows and wait for my breakfast in bed. They would also want me to seek out and remember those who are bereaved. Those women suffering the loss of a child (born on earth or in utero). Women grieving the loss of their mother. Women walking through the darkness that is the loss of babies they will never know. That 'reaching out' is what this day was all about.

Today, I honor my mom, my sister, my nieces, my friends, any woman who fulfills the original call to reach out to each other and protect a child. I remember those for whom this day is difficult, and I lift them up. Because that, my friends, is what Mother's Day is really all about.

"I will celebrate with you, if you first mourn with me. It is the combination of the two that lends itself to the true meaning of Mother's Day!"
- pregnancylossribbons.blogspot.com

Neurologist

2011-05-06T12:00:00.000-07:00

I met with the neurologist. The wait was long... the appointment was long... I joked on my Facebook that the neurologist was really busy, so there must be a lot of people in my town who need their head examined... har har. (Joking helps relieve my anxiety.)

The neurologist was nice, but he is the typical "scientist"... Interrupting, mumbling to himself, shoving papers in front of me to read/complete, kind-of a confusing experience. One moment he'd make me feel better ("It does seem like these are simply migraine auras...") and the next he'd say something frighting ("however, these symptoms put you at a high risk of stroke, especially being pregnant and all."). It was a total roller coaster. After my appointment, I read reviews about him on the internet and they scared me (pushes pills, orders unnecessary tests, etc). I'm not sure I would recommend him...

I refused the MRI, but he did talk me into 2 tests (as of now - I haven't 100% decided to go through with them). One is the EEG (records my brain waves) and the other a blood test (to assess my propensity for stroke). I was worried about the EEG until he told me it simply records the brain waves, there are no x-rays used, and they even perform this test on small babies so it should be okay.

The tests are most likely expensive and I'm not sure the point. I am pretty convinced these are migraine auras and there's not much you can do about those. I don't want to take any medications, especially while pregnant. Not to mention I have to fast 12 hours before one test and get only 3 hours of sleep the night before the other one. Hmmm... sounds a bit rough as right now the things my body wants most are sleep and food! :)

It remains to be seen where this goes from here. I feel like I am handling the "episodes" okay. I am sure Beanie isn't hurt by what's going on. It was a little unnerving talking about medications and testing, all while feeling baby jumping and rolling around in my belly. The whole experience was a bit too much to handle and I had a tiny breakdown in the bathroom afterward. But I pulled myself together, got some lunch and went to work. All is well now.

Where I go from here though, I don't know. Do I just do the tests? Do I refuse it all? Maybe do the blood test, but not the EEG? Perhaps put everything on hold to see if the auras go away after the pregnancy? Ask Dr. M for a referral to a different neurologist? I just don't know...

I'm Pregnant

2011-05-04T21:12:00.000-07:00

"Well, I'm pregnant."
"We're expecting a baby."
"We'll be adding to our family soon."

Why are these words so difficult to say?

My tummy is big enough now that someone who knows me can tell I'm pregnant.

In the last week or so, I have had several client meetings. In those meetings, clients have asked leading questions like, "So... anything new and exciting going on?" They are opening up the dialogue for me to share my obvious news (that's becoming more obvious as the days pass).

One client asked me this question 3 times. Even so, I still found myself unable to tell her my news. She must have thought I was crazy, or worse, that I wasn't happy to be in this position.

I always thought if I ever became pregnant, I'd be screaming it from the rooftops. And I am screaming it inside. I am the happiest I've been in my life. It's all I talk about with Ryan. I *love* to discuss it with people. But I just can't "announce" it. At least not out loud. I can't say those words.

Almost everyone who I told personally that we were pregnant found out via email or text message. My parents learned by phone. It wasn't until the announcements were over that I realized I didn't actually look anyone in the eyes and tell them I was pregnant. At least not that I can remember.

What is wrong with me? How can someone SO happy and SO grateful be SO unable to say those words out loud? It really bothers me.

I am wondering if I spent so long thinking I may never be here, I didn't allow myself to even imagine how it would be. For 7 years, I avoided the word "pregnant". Saying it out loud now makes it real, and I am too scared to believe it's real... I'm afraid if I say it, I'm going to lose it.

How long will this last? And how do I change it?

Today's Appointment

2011-05-02T11:14:00.000-07:00

Today was my monthly OB appointment. Typically, we switch from Dr. M to Nurse R and back again. This month, I saw Dr. M.

For the most part, it went great. I have finally started gaining weight. I gained 1 pound in the 1st trimester, but I am rapidly catching up. :-/ I gained 5 pounds in 4 weeks! So I am up a total of 6 pounds so far. It may seem weird to share my weight, but it holds me accountable. I am trying to keep it reasonable and I think I'm doing okay so far.

The appointment was very quick. We listened to Beanie's heartbeat, which was beautiful. Dr. M answered a few of my questions. I learned my UTI is resolved and the reason I feel like I still have it is because I need to drink even more water, and because this little Bean is moving around so much it is giving me the 'urge' all the time! Pregnancy makes you have to pee in more ways than I realized. ;)

The scary part of the appointment was when we talked about the migraine auras I've been having. Dr. M is concerned about them, particularly because I've had so many in a short period of time. He left the exam room mid-appointment to schedule me with the neurologist. The neurologist typically has a wait of several weeks, but they rushed me in, offering me an appointment at 7am tomorrow. That time doesn't work, so I will be going Friday.

When he came back, he shocked me a bit, telling me he will still let me drive "for now" but suggesting I not drive long distances. It all felt a lot more serious than I initially thought. I felt like I was handling it fine, but I guess it's good to check it out. In the meantime, I'm just supposed to get a lot of rest.

My biggest fear is that they'll make me undergo tests or take medicine that might affect Beanie. The word "neurologist" scares me (I had migraine auras as a child and spent a lot of time with neurologists, including being misdiagnosed as epileptic for a while - all very frightening for a child). But I am just trying to relax and trust that it will all work out for the best.

On the bright side, I made my appointment for 3D Ultrasound #1. We'll get to see our baby's cute little face for the first time on June 14th!

Regarding Baby Showers

2011-04-27T18:20:00.000-07:00

In the summer of 2003, I tossed out my birth control and started watching A Baby Story. Not necessarily in that order. ;) It was fun to watch people’s stories of adding to their family, all done up in a pretty package, with a musical montage to boot. I was blissfully naive, not knowing much about infertility, so I quite enjoyed the 30-minute show.

The first 10 minutes or so would show the baby preparations, then the birth and a quick follow-up. In one episode, the follow-up segment was a get-together the couple planned for friends and family, so that everyone could come and meet the baby. It was casual and looked like a lot of fun. I made a mental note… this looks like something I would love to do.

The traditional thing to do to celebrate a new baby is to have a baby shower. I have been to a LOT of baby showers in my adult life. When I was first married, I didn't think too much about them. As the years went on, and infertility began to rear its ugly head, baby showers became more difficult. I went to a few here and there, but had to give my regrets several times. I would always send warm regards (and give a gift). Those who truly knew me, and where my heart longed to be, always understood. I wish I would have handled that whole situation better, but I did the best I could at the time. And I still do.

Soon, it became very obvious that I would never have a baby shower of my own. It just wasn't going to work for me. The painful memories of baby showers past are too much. I can't do it. Instead, my thoughts returned to that Baby Story episode I had seen years ago… the joy as friends and family met the baby for the first time… no obligatory buying of gifts… no baby games or the exclusion of one gender… it seemed nice.

And it just seems like me. I have never been one who relishes in being the center of attention. I cried and hid in the bathroom during my surprise birthday party. At my wedding shower, though it was lovely and I am so grateful for it, I was just a ball of stress. With a get-together after the baby’s born, guess who the star is? The baby! I am just one of his/her adoring fans. ;)

After thinking about this for years, and discussing it with Ryan, we have decided to have an Open House after the baby comes, in lieu of a Baby Shower. We are excited for this, and we don’t question our decision one bit. We are happy that family and friends will be able to join in the celebration. We love that grandfathers, uncles, nephews and brothers can come celebrate too.

Some people have said they do not agree with this decision. I am sorry to hear that. I have supported the decision of countless friends and relatives to have a baby shower. Now is the time for them to support me when I choose not to. I just want a wonderful celebration with my husband, baby and those I love most. I want to honor all those who have supported us in the last 7 years, feed them a yummy treat and let them meet our baby. I think that sounds wonderful.

Although we don’t question this choice, we are finding that others do. Here are a couple questions we've received often and our responses.

How will you get everything the baby needs if you don’t have a shower? Well, we’ll buy it! ;) Our baby doesn’t need every trinket and gadget available, but those we feel we cannot (or don’t want to) live without, we will be able to get for our baby. Obviously, this baby was planned (haha – no kidding), so we went into this knowing how expensive everything would be. We plan to do all we can to provide for our child, and we aren’t expecting anyone to step in and do that for us.

So, are you not accepting gifts then? To me, a gift should be just that… a gift. Not an expectation or an obligation. I understand that many times people want to give a gift because this is how they show their love and excitement. I know how excited I get when I give something special to someone, and I wouldn't deny someone else that excitement either. :) We don't expect anything, and are very humbled by and appreciative of anything we might receive.

I want to thank those family and friends who have been accepting of (and even excited by) our unconventional way to celebrate. And I hope those who have been confused by our decision can understand it a bit more now. :)

Myth: The feelings of Infertility end once you become pregnant

2011-04-26T06:35:00.000-07:00

In honor of Infertility Awareness Week, RESOLVE has invited bloggers to bust an infertility myth. The goal of this challenge is to bring together bloggers from the infertility community as well as other bloggers interested in the topic to answer the question: What is the biggest infertility myth and how has it affected your life or the life of your friends and family members?

I am not sure this is the biggest infertility myth, but it is one that impacts me the most at this stage of my life. After nearly 8 years of heartache, tears, treatment and loss, I am finally pregnant. This was the “goal” right? So, is the heartache of infertility over? Because I finally saw those 2 pink lines, am I no longer "infertile"? How does infertility really affect me now?

Myth: The feelings of Infertility end once you become pregnant.

BUSTED!

The feelings of infertility never go away.

Motherhood will never be “normal” for me, or at least what I thought was “normal”.

Each day, I must make a conscious effort not to worry that this miracle will slip away. Even at 18 weeks, I fight the urge to panic at every cramp or twinge. I have nightmares of miscarriage, and have been known to grab the doppler in the middle of the night, just to hear my baby’s precious heartbeat.

I struggle to trust my body. It “didn’t work right” for 7 years, with no explanation as to why, not even from talented and educated doctors. I couldn’t count on my body to know how to become pregnant, and now I must magically trust it to grow, nourish and support this child? This has been a learning process.

Because of infertility, I will be an older mother than I thought I would be. I will have less children than I planned. There is a real possibility my baby will not have a sibling.

Infertility affects everything… even finances. The financial cost to become pregnant could have paid my baby’s first year of college tuition. Maybe two.

So scared by baby showers, I can't bring myself to have one of my own.

I still look at other pregnant women and wonder why some have and some have not. I no longer feel jealousy, but there is still something there. Confusion maybe. Especially when I see other women who have waited longer than I have, been through more treatments, spent more money, and still do not receive what I have been blessed with. It’s all very confusing. I don’t think I will ever understand.

And even with my beautiful baby nestled inside, I still mourn the two I lost.

No, the feelings of infertility never go away.

But in some ways, I am glad for that.

Our baby will never, ever question our love for him or her. There is no doubt this baby was wanted, desired and prayed for. I have literally given my blood, sweat and tears to bring him or her to our family. Even as that date draws nearer when we will get to bring our precious baby home, I have not and will not ever question my yearning to be a mother. In so many ways, I already am one.

Our baby will be blessed by our rock solid marriage. Infertility chipped it and cracked it, and tried to tear it down. We built it back up. It took a lot of work, but our foundation is firm. Two parents who love each other more than life itself… this is something not many babies are blessed with.

I am not sure there is a woman on this earth that has looked at her ultrasound picture as much as I have. I take nothing for granted. I relish in every pregnancy-related moment. I cried with happiness the day I threw up from morning sickness. And again when I felt my uterus had risen. And again when I felt my baby move for the first time.

Infertility has made me more compassionate. Not just toward others with my same struggle, but towards people in general. I understand the heartache of depression. I can empathize with other’s losses. I ask less intrusive questions. I listen better. I try not to assume. Infertility has taught me that sometimes in life there is not always an answer. And that’s okay. We are all just getting by the best we can.

Infertility has taught me how to have faith. Not faith in a certain outcome, but real faith. It has taught me how to pray and how to hope, even when things seem hopeless.

No, the feelings of infertility never go away. It is a life-long disease. It is always there… reminding me of what I lost, showing me what I’ve gained, and leading me through the never-ending process of trying to become a better person.

To find out more on infertility and its meaning go to RESOLVE's website here.
To learn about RESOLVE's Infertility Week visit here.

Take the Poll!

2011-04-21T18:27:00.000-07:00

The day is quickly approaching... Soon we will find out who is in my belly!

For fun, I started a Poll in the right toolbar. If the mood strikes you, place your vote. :)

UPDATE: The poll results were...
Jack - 116
Katelyn - 128

300

2011-04-18T21:45:00.000-07:00

300 Postings.

From the naïve beginnings of my venture into the world of infertility treatment (Post 1), to my battle through depression (Post 100), to making it through the awful experience that is miscarriage (Post 200), what an adventure this has been.

Recently, I went to a women’s conference. A speaker there told the story of Florence May Chadwick.

Florence Chadwick had been the first woman to swim the English Channel (in both directions). On July 4, 1952, Florence attempted to swim the twenty one mile Pacific channel from Catalina Island to the California coast. She was hoping to set another record.

But that day, the water was choppy and cold. The fog was so thick, the land in front of her seemed to disappear. Likewise, she could barely see the support boats that accompanied her. On several occasions, prowling sharks and sting-rays had to be driven away with rifles. Florence swam more than fifteen hours and fifty-five minutes before deciding she couldn't go on and was taken out of the water. She had no idea how close she was to her goal.

So imagine her disappointment when she learned she was merely ½ mile from the destination. She swam 20 ½ miles, only to quit when she was right there. She simply couldn’t see.

That story reminds me of the one I shared about my never-ending hike. Florence’s story reminds me of infertility.

How much easier would it be to wait one more year, do one more treatment, if we knew success was right around the corner? I often commented I would wait 7 more years, if I had the knowledge the wait would end. The not-knowing was the hardest part.

There were so many times I wanted to give up. I had no way of knowing it would be the 9th treatment cycle, my 7th IUI, the 5th time I used injectables, during the 7th year of trying... *that* would be the time we would get our miracle.

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face...do the thing you think you cannot do.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

I often think of my friends still waiting. Daily, in fact. I feel so many things for them... hope, frustration, admiration, sadness and some guilt for my current state. I want everyone to have the happiness I have felt over the last several months. But, just as the last seven years have made this time unbelievably sweeter, I know it will be sweet for them too. We may never fully understand why we had to wait, but I know now that the wait is always worth it. A thousand times over.

So here's to Post 300. Three hundred thoughts, vents and epiphanies. Each one leading towards strength through trial, hope through heartache, and the biggest blessing I've ever received.

Keep your head down, girls, and just keep swimming. Whatever the final result is... the blessing of pregnancy, a miracle adoption, or another path towards peace and healing... you may be closer than you think.

16 Weeks

2011-04-18T20:03:00.000-07:00

Last Friday, I hit the 16 week mark. I can honestly say this has been the longest 16 weeks of my life (because of the anxiety and waiting for our baby to finally be in our arms – not because I’m not enjoying pregnancy). They have also been the happiest 4 months too.

I have received advice from several people to document my growing belly. At first, I resisted. I didn’t really see the point. I especially hate those pictures of pregnant women where they cut their head off (presumably to focus solely on the belly?). I think that’s creepy. However, so many people have encouraged me to do it, I decided to take more pictures than I originally planned on (although I promise never to be headless). I guess I just figure we waited a long time for this, why not celebrate it?!

A few pregnancy tidbits…
- The heartburn train has pulled into the station. I’ve got it (and good!). Some days are worse than others. On the bad days, I get heartburn from *everything*. It’s actually kind-of funny. ;)
- I never realized how much your body has to stretch during pregnancy. Wowzers! I’ve got tightened rubber bands all through my groin, between my legs, in my thighs, you name it. Standing on my right leg by itself is barely tolerable. Shaving my legs is getting comical (and I’ve got so far to go!).
- You will spend $70 on a *pillow* if there is a chance a good night sleep could result.
- I LOVE feeling our baby move.
- Apparently, Beanie can hear me now. So, I sing to him/her in the car sometimes. Not sure if this is a good or bad thing…
- I get nosebleeds sometimes in the mornings.
- After a year and a half, I am eating meat again. And I blame it all on the baby!!
- As a child/teenager, I would occasionally get migraines with auras (numb hands and face, blind spots, trouble speaking, etc). At some point, I just stopped having them and went over 15 years without even one. Then, the week after my miscarriage, I had one. Fast forward to now and I've had 3 in just over a week. I'm wondering how long they'll stick around, as they are kind-of scary!
- My tummy is growing, and I’m still amazed every time I look down. :)

Beanie on the Move

2011-04-13T17:35:00.000-07:00

On April 4th, I crawled into bed and turned over on my right side. I was pretty tired, expecting to fall asleep quickly.

All of a sudden I felt something strange. It felt like popcorn popping, or bubbles bouncing around in my abdomen. I did quick math and realized I was only just over 14 weeks and, while it was possible, most women don’t feel a baby’s movements that early (especially their first). I tried to dismiss it, but it was unlike anything I felt before, and I actually laughed out loud because it tickled so much.

I tested it out by rolling onto my back. The sensation stopped. When I rolled back onto my side, it started up again. This kid was going crazy in there! Deep down, I knew I was feeling my baby move for the first time.

I didn’t say much about it, as I was afraid people wouldn’t believe what I was feeling. I would hear it was gas bubbles, or hunger pains, or the millions of other things women confuse for fetal movement. I didn’t want someone to ruin the moment by insisting it didn’t exist.

The next night, I felt Beanie again, although to a much lesser extent. The following night, I felt nothing. Then, the night after that, the moving and shaking started again. This has been the pattern for the past week or so. I’d still been keeping this experience quiet, just waiting to see what happens.

Then, today, I felt Beanie for the first time during the day. I was sitting up, putting my make-up on, and there (s)he was, doing morning calisthenics. Later on this afternoon, at my desk at work, it started up again.

I will be honest and say it really freaked me out a bit the first time I felt Beanie move, but now I am loving it. No hard kicks or right hooks yet, just a soft, subtle reminder every once in a while that our little miracle is still here.

This is just one of those many experiences that I thought I’d never have. I am eternally grateful.

Meeting Nurse R

2011-04-11T07:05:00.000-07:00

I never did an update from my last OB appointment… so here I am, just one week late. ;)

I met with Nurse R, Dr M’s nurse practitioner. She is wonderful in all the motherly ways you would want a nurse practitioner to be. I almost feel like I have the love and care of a midwife when I am with her (not that I know how a midwife is, just how I imagine it would be). First, we weighed (I’ve gained a whole 1 pound – Something tells me I’ll catch up pretty quickly though…). Then she answered my list of crazy, out-of-nowhere questions (chicken pox risk, minor eczema breakout, a kitty-question, etc). We set up my 2nd trimester screening. Finally, she used the doppler to listen to Beanie’s heartbeat. Her doppler is better than mine at home, and it was amazing how loud and detailed the heartbeat sounded. I could literally hear the blood pumping through little Beanie’s heart.

Our next appointment will be with Dr M at the beginning of May. In this practice, you alternate between Nurse R and the doctor with each appointment. Following that, we have our 2nd trimester screening, which will also be when we learn if Beanie is a Jack or a Katelyn. :)

A Surprise Treat

2011-03-30T08:15:00.000-07:00

The night before we found out we were pregnant again, we went to Chinese food with Ryan's grandma. I remember thinking during the meal (as I was downing my 4th bowl of sizzling rice soup), "I really have a feeling I am finally pregnant",

At the end of the meal, we opened our fortune cookies. I loved my fortune, especially considering the thoughts that were running through my head that night. I came home and put it on the fridge with a magnet.

Sure enough, the next morning the test was positive.

In the last few months, I've glanced at the fortune a couple times, but soon forgot about it as it slowly became buried under other papers and reminders on our fridge.

After yesterday's ultrasound I went to work. When I came home later that evening, I went to the fridge (as every pregnant woman does), and saw this:

My sweet husband found our fortune, placing it right on top of the picture of our precious miracle.

What a great moment.

It's a... BABY!

2011-03-29T18:25:00.000-07:00

The reason I asked for prayers in my last post was because today we were supposed to do our full integrated panel. It includes an ultrasound and blood work, and looks for things like down syndrome, etc. Turns out, I am ineligible for the testing because of losing Andie. If we proceeded with the panel, I would likely get an “abnormal” result, even when things are fine with Beanie. So, we skipped the bloodwork, but still did an in-depth ultrasound.

Everything looks great! We watched Beanie for a long time. S/he was making all sorts of movements… sucking on a hand, stretching up an arm, curling into a ball. My favorite was when s/he scooted down so s/he was laying on the bottom of my uterus, and propped his/her feet up on the side wall. Ryan’s favorite moment was when s/he “air drummed” a couple beats with his/her arms (taking after Daddy already!). It was all pretty amazing.

Sometime during all this, a white lab coat suddenly blocked my view of the screen. The Prenatologist had made an appearance. He looked like a tiny mad scientist and wasn’t super friendly, but was definitely a character in his own way. Ryan and I had to hold back our smiles. Soon he marched out the door and the ultrasound continued…

Beanie’s heartrate was 152, which is the same rate we’ve gotten on our home doppler. It’s slowed down since 9 weeks (163), which is normal because s/he’s getting so much bigger. :) Even though we weren’t eligible for the full-panel, the tech measured the neck folds and got about 1.5. She cautioned me, saying that number means nothing without the bloodwork. Even so, from my research, anything under 3 is good so I am just telling myself everything is fine. We’ll do the 2nd trimester screening in a month or so and know more then. Of course, we will love our baby no matter what issues may arise, we'd just like to have a chance to prepare ourselves a bit just in case we face a challenge.

So, without further ado, I present Beanie at 14W4D:

Curled up in a ball:

Little "Grinch" feet:

Our little acrobat:

Baby face:

Our little Beanie, snuggled in tight!

Happy :)

2011-03-28T08:35:00.000-07:00

A friend requested a “belly shot” and I obliged. What a difference maternity clothes and one week of gestation make! Look at that thing! (A large Mexican dinner about 30 minutes prior helped too…) It’s not the best picture of me personally, it had been raining all day and I was pretty exhausted, but what I love about it is the happiness I can see in my eyes.

I am happy.

Every day, I am amazed at where we have come from and where we are. I read about the pregnancy process and then I see those things happen to me. It continues to stun me every time.

I read about the uterus “rising” and being able to feel the top of it by pushing on your abdomen. That is just something I read in a book, right? That wouldn’t happen to me… and then suddenly, it does! One day, I feel it. Out of the blue, just like that. Surprise, gratitude, and crying ensue.

Every week or so (or more often if needed), I get to hear this sound. The most beautiful sound ever made…

I am happy. And every day, I pray for my “infertility sisters” that they will feel this happiness someday soon. I pray for them by name. Even though I know God knows them already, I say their names. No matter what path their happiness comes from, I want it for them. More than words can say.

----------------------

This week is a big one in our world - please keep us in your prayers. We'll update soon!

Now THIS is something I’ll never understand...

2011-03-28T08:30:00.000-07:00

Over the past year or so, I began to understand why I had to wait so long to become a mother. This is especially true now that I am pregnant, obviously. :) I can more fully appreciate God’s timing. For some reason, this baby was supposed to come now.

I can say that infertility has taught me so many life lessons and every one of them will make me a better mother than I would have been. The 31-year-old me is much more comfortable in my own skin than the 23-year-old me who first endeavored towards parenthood. (This is not to infer anything about anyone else – I am just speaking for myself.) I can say that my 10-year-marriage is stronger now than our 3-year-marriage was. I can say that the last 7 years were worth it, and if I had to wait longer, that would have been worth it too.

I am beginning to understand the role that infertility has played in my life, and am starting to appreciate it. When I meet my Heavenly Father again someday, I don’t think I will need to ask Him why we had to wait; I think I am already beginning to understand that.

Now THIS is something I’ll never understand…

A woman I know is about my same age. She gets pregnant very easily, and is proud of it. In the last decade or so, she has had four children, all of which have been taken away from her at some point or another and permanently adopted out. Recently, she had a fifth child, and that one too has been placed with a legal guardian.

She is pregnant again, with child number six. Six children, five or six different fathers (I can’t keep track). She joyfully announced this sixth pregnancy, becoming quite defensive if anyone was less than 100% enthusiastic and supportive.

My point is not to bash on this woman (and anyone who does so in the comments will be deleted). My point is to ask why?

I know so many wonderful, caring couples whose number one desire is a child to raise and love. Why can this woman easily have five beautiful, healthy children (not raising a single one of them), while they continue to suffer and wait? And now… she’s pregnant again…

When I meet God, I will ask him this question. Why? I just can’t understand.

Andie and Appleseed

2011-03-24T07:14:00.000-07:00

Like many women who have lost a baby due to miscarriage, I often wonder how the eternal perspective comes into play in situations like these. There are a lot of opinions about when the spirit enters a body. I have heard it’s at the moment of conception, when the heart beats, or when a baby takes his or her first breath. Some people have said that these miscarried babies return as other babies at a later time. It’s hard to know what to believe.

My gut has always told me they are individual spirits, that life begins at conception, and that my babies won’t return as other babies. I have had some personal experiences that have helped me feel this way.

Recently, I watched a video and read the story of a little boy who claims he saw heaven. He was close to death for 17 days when he was 4 years old. Once he had recovered, he began to talk about the things he had seen while he was so ill. Many of the things he had seen were shocking to his parents, as they were situations he had no prior knowledge of and couldn’t have known. For example, he was able to describe exactly where his dad was praying during the boy’s surgery. When asked how he knew this (as not even the boy’s mother knew where the dad was at this time), the boy simply said during that time he was sitting in Jesus’ lap, watching his father pray. There were several examples of this.

Personally, the most touching part of his experience is described in the following narrative from The Today Show:

‎"The real shocker came when Colton told his mother, “Mommy, I have two sisters.” Sonja told her son that he had to be referring to his oldest sister, Cassie, and his cousin Traci, but he responded: “No — I have two sisters. You had a baby die in your tummy, didn’t you?”

Sonja told Matt Lauer (who was conducting the interview) the family had never uttered a word about the miscarriage to Colton — and what’s more, they never even learned the sex of their miscarried child. “It was a private hurt that we didn’t even share with our friends,” Sonja said, adding Colton’s revelation was at first “shocking, but then a relief that she’s OK, which we didn’t know she was a she.”

In a subsequent TODAY segment Monday, Sonja filled in Colton’s description of his meeting with his sister: “He told us what she looked like, and she wouldn’t stop hugging him. And she doesn’t have a name.”

“When he told us about his sister in heaven, that we hadn’t told him about, [it was] another one of those ‘holy cow’ moments — OK, he can’t make this stuff up, he can’t invent this; no memory was planted,” Todd told Lauer. “But the peace that came over us, and the healing, like, ‘Wow, I have a daughter in heaven waiting for me’ — I think a lot of people need that type of hope and healing, too. And I think that’s what a lot of people are finding when they hear Colton’s testimony, to know what they have to look forward to.'"

When I saw the video, and read this narrative, I cried for a long time. To some, this may just be a silly child’s story, but to me this gave me so much hope. I have always felt that my children lost to miscarriage were special spirits, and even a glimmer of hope that I might meet them someday is comforting. The thought that we could have celestial children waiting for us is overwhelming. It brings so much joy and peace.

To watch the interview and read the full narrative, CLICK HERE.

Read about Appleseed
Read about Andie

1st Trimester Wrap-Up!

2011-03-18T18:30:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of opinions regarding when my 2nd trimester begins. If you calculate based on the conception date, it would be April 6th. If you calculate based on the gestation, it would be March 28th.

But, if you calculate based on development, it would be TODAY! And, since my favorite pregnancy book concurs, I have decided to dub today the FIRST day of the SECOND trimester!

So, here are the things I want to remember about my first trimester with Beanie…

Best Moments:

- The positive pregnancy test. Hugging Ryan right afterward. The equally positive blood tests to follow.
- Telling loved ones the good news.
- Each and every time I’ve seen that cute little bean on the ultrasound screen. Maybe it was the long wait to get here or maybe I’m just paranoid, but there was always a moment of shock each time I saw Beanie alive, well and growing. And I love the giddiness and adrenaline high that comes immediately after.
- Realizing the awesome man I have married. I mean, I always knew he was, but I have been amazed at how much he has stepped up to help me and how understanding he’s been. Also, how excited he is. He is my hero!
- Finding Dr. M.
- Trying on maternity clothes with a strap-on belly. I never thought I’d do something like that but at the last minute I did. HA!

- Renting a doppler and hearing the heartbeat. I had tried to find it for a couple minutes and couldn't, so Ryan tried and found it right away. Then he said, "Beanie wanted *daddy* to find it!" :)
- The LAST progesterone shot! We did those things every night for 8 weeks. Ryan commented, “Wow! That went by fast!” to which I replied, “For YOU!” :P

Surprising Moments:

- I ate chicken for the first time in 1 ½ years. And I ate it because it sounded good! Weird…
- I can’t believe how much I can feel my vertebrae moving around, getting ready for pregnancy I guess. It’s occasionally painful, but mostly it’s just strange.
- I only threw up once. I always thought I’d be one of those ladies hugging the toilet for 4 months. I had my share of nausea, but I was very fortunate.
- My fatigue hit full-force at 9/10 weeks, and is still there. I am way more exhausted now than I was at the beginning of pregnancy.
- I think I will be one of those pregnant ladies who are sick the whole pregnancy. I am going on 7 weeks of head colds, allergies, coughing, you name it. I did have sinus/ear infections and that has been cleared up, but the sickness continues. Totally worth it though, obviously.
- Actually making it to this point in pregnancy. It is a dream!

Difficult Moments:

- Losing Andie. By far, the most difficult moment.
- My Urgent Care debacle.

All in all, my first trimester has been the most wonderful 3 months of my life. There has been anxiety, apprehension, and tears, all completely covered up in blissful joy and gratitude beyond words. I can not WAIT to meet our baby, to hold that precious gift in my arms, but in the meantime I am enjoying being a mommy in every way I can.

I am excited for the 2nd trimester, which should last until July 1st (or June 29th… or July 4th… those darn differing opinions…)! I think I am slowly getting to the point that my excitement outweighs my worries and fears. Not by a lot... but a little at least.

Lots to look forward to. :)

At 12 weeks...

Cramps Update

2011-03-16T17:59:00.000-07:00

Because of the cramping, Dr. M wanted to go ahead and bring me in, just for my peace of mind. They gave me an appointment late this morning and Ryan came with me.

After a bit of a wait, Dr. M came into the exam room. He asked about the cramps, and then predicted everything would look perfect, but said let’s take a look anyway.

Beanie looks PERFECT, just like he/she has the last *5* times we peeked inside. It is amazing how MUCH our baby looks like a baby now (instead of a blob, or some kind of rodent). We could see so many details (despite using the “jalopy”). For the first time, we even saw the umbilical cord.

I have to tell you, our baby is a cutie. I kept saying to Ryan over and over, “Beanie is just SO cute!”

We saw the probable reason for cramping… It appears Andie's sack deflated quite suddenly in the last week or so. Dr. M thinks that is the issue. But there's no blood in there, so I most likely won't spot, which is good (peace of mind wise).

Dr. M is the best. After he was finished he said, “If you’re scared, just call. We peek inside, you give a sigh of relief and everything’s better! See how easy that is?” I don’t want to do too many unnecessary ultrasounds, but it was good to put my mind at ease. Plus, he called me "skinny". Nice!

Ryan and I grabbed some lunch; during which he remarked with some amazement, “I love seeing you so happy!” I am completely happy, and it’s been a long time since he’s seen me that way. I think he’d forgotten what it looked like.

On the way back to work after my appointment, I was driving behind a car with a license plate holder that read, “God’s blessings are endless”. How true that is! Sometimes you have to wait a LONG time for them, and sometimes they look different than you thought they would, but they do come.

---------------------------

Please pray for my friend, Christine, who just lost her baby at 18 weeks of pregnancy. My heart breaks with hers.

Cramps

2011-03-15T08:30:00.000-07:00

So, I've been feeling a tad concerned... I cramped for about 8 hours or so last night. Not round ligament pain, more like the cramps I get with my period. At one point, it got pretty uncomfortable (about a 6 out of 10). I hate that feeling of anxiety and worry that comes with it.

I still have them today, but not as constant. I am trying to drink more water and not worry. I called my doctor’s office and they told me to “take it easy” and “think positive”. Other than that they don’t have much else to say. They aren’t concerned because I’m not spotting or bleeding, but I am on the Progesterone shots. I didn’t bleed with my previous miscarriage or when I lost Andie, so the lack of blood isn’t particularly comforting to me.

My other pregnancy symptoms are still there, the mild nausea, hunger and some twinges in my chest. But the cramps are so unnerving. I am hoping it’s just my uterus growing and getting ready to “pop” over my pelvic bone…

Keep the faith! :)

Hold On

2011-03-14T07:05:00.000-07:00

One thing I have learned throughout this infertility journey is to find comfort through music.

I love Michael Buble, as his music seems to always speak to me during good times or bad. I remember when I was at a very low point, sometime between my miscarriage and our last treatment; I heard this song for the first time. I think he wrote it just for Ryan and me.

I heard it again this morning and all those feelings came rushing back. I was in tears. Ryan and I are the “lucky” ones, I guess you could say. Even though we’ve had our trials and difficulties, you don’t find our kind-of love every day. We are blessed to have each other.

I hope this song brings someone else comfort as it did for me at a very difficult time…

Hold On

Didn’t they always say we were the lucky ones?
I guess that we were once, babe, we were once
But luck’ll leave you cause it is a faithless friend
And in the end, when life has got you down
You’ve got someone here that you can wrap your arms around

There’s a thousand ways for things to fall apart
But it’s no one’s fault, no it’s not our fault
Maybe all the plans we made might not work out
But I have no doubt, even though it’s hard to see
I’ve got faith in us and I believe in you and me

So hold on to me tight, hold on, I promise it’ll be alright
Cause it’s you and me together
And baby, all we’ve got is time
So hold on to me, hold on to me tonight

There’s so many dreams that we have given up
But take a look at all we’ve got
And with this kind of love
What we’ve got here is enough

So hold on to me tight; hold on, I promise it’ll be alright
Cause we are stronger here together
Than we could ever be alone
Just hold on to me, don’t you ever let me go
Hold on to me, it’s gonna be alright
Hold on to me… tonight

Didn’t they always say we were the lucky ones?

Hear the Song

Infertility

2011-03-10T11:40:00.000-08:00

Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," or "things happen for a reason". The most painful are from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children."

Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down.

I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

Author unknown
(Modified Somewhat)

Wonderful Book!

2011-03-10T07:00:00.000-08:00

I have been having a really hard time finding a pregnancy book I like.

I tried “What to Expect”, but it felt medical and intimidating. I only referred to that one if I am looking up a particular topic. I couldn’t really see myself reading it cover to cover.

I tried “Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy”. While I didn’t read the whole thing, I looked up a couple topics and hated everything I read. For example, I was trying to research how to choose an OB, and the author spent the majority of the section talking about how she chose a man because ‘she wasn’t feeling very sexy and thought at least it would be nice to have some man interested in her down there’ (or something like that). The book tries to be funny, but I found it wasn't my thing.

I had just about given up on finding a book, when I got a huge surprise one morning. Ryan noticed a package on our doorstep with that unmistakable “Amazon” smile on the side. I was confused because I didn’t remember ordering anything recently. Inside was this book:

It was from a new friend I met only a couple months ago. She loved this book during her pregnancy and thought I might like it as well. She was right; I LOVE it.

It is beautiful… wonderful pictures, valuable information, and set-up so that each day you get to learn about that specific time in your pregnancy. It is respectful, and it values pregnancy as the miracle it is. One of the best parts of my evening is looking at that day’s entry to see what is going on with little Beanie.

Thank you Gina for such a treasured gift. It came at the perfect time and was just what I needed!

Jumping Beanie!

2011-03-07T11:05:00.000-08:00

We got to see our little Beanie again this morning! No pictures because we were on our OB’s sad ultrasound machine (the “jalopy” he calls it). Beanie probably wouldn’t have held still for a photo op anyway; that little baby was bouncing around all over the place! Heart rate looks good and Dr. M’s prediction is a boy, although he said there is only a 52% chance he’s right. ;)

It was so comforting to see everything is okay, especially because I essentially walked around with full blown major infections (untreated) for over a week!

Dr. M also changed my due date back to September 30th, and that's where it will stay.

Our next peek inside will be at the specialist on the 29th. It’s starting to sink in that we might actually be having a baby later this year!

Happy 10 Weeks of Pregnancy!

2011-03-04T19:18:00.001-08:00

I celebrated in a really weird way... I barfed.

I've had nausea since before we found out officially that I was pregnant. Sometimes the nausea was really strong, but I had never actually thrown up. I kind-of prided myself in that.

For some strange reason, the actual throwing up started today. Isn't nausea as a symptom supposed to begin letting up at 10-12 weeks? Why is mine getting worse? Strange. It might be related to the other illnesses I'm dealing with (I have a sinus infection, ear infections and strep throat), or maybe my time just finally came.

I'm part of the club now! :)

Disappointing

2011-03-03T15:32:00.001-08:00

Today I went to my follow-up with Dr. M. They weighed me (I've *lost* 2 pounds so far this pregnancy - despite my extra snug jeans), and I gave my sample. Then Ryan and I waited in the exam room.

We noticed they wheeled in an ultrasound machine, which was a surprise. I didn't expect an ultrasound this time.

We waited a while when the nurse came in. Apparently, Dr. M was at the hospital delivering a baby and it was going slower than expected. So I had to leave and reschedule. Bummer!

We go back Monday now instead, and the nurse mentioned Dr. M would definitely do the ultrasound then.

The confusing thing about the ultrasound is I thought this appointment was to go over the results of the ultrasound I had last week at the perinatologist's office. I am wondering why Dr. M wants to do another one. I hope he didn't see something in last week's pictures that was alarming. I'm trying not to go to the scary place of "what if", and just look forward to seeing little Beanie again. :)

Baby's Choice

2011-03-02T05:47:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Gina for sharing this poem with me. I always wondered... maybe God made me wait so long to become a mother, not because it wasn't the right time for ME, but because it wasn't the right time for our baby. Perhaps he or she was saved to enter the world at a special chosen moment. Anyway, this poem made me think those thoughts again...

Did you ever think, dear Mother,
As the seeds of me you sowed,
As you breathed new life inside of me
And slowly watched me grow,
In all your dreams about me
When you planned me out so well,
When you couldn't wait to have me there
Inside your heart to dwell,

Did you ever think that maybe,
I was planning for you, too,
And choosing for my very own
A mother just like you?
A mother who smelled sweet and who
had hands so creamy white,
A tender, loving creature
Who would soothe me in the night?

Did you ever think in all those days
While you were coming due,
That as you planned a life for me
I sought a life with you?
And now as I lay in your arms,
I wonder if you knew
While you were busy making me,
I was choosing you!

~ Colleen M. Story ~

A Mother’s Instinct

2011-03-01T07:50:00.000-08:00

I guess I already have it.

Or maybe it’s not the mother’s instinct, but listening to that still, small voice.

I have had a head cold for a couple weeks now. Last week, it felt pretty severe so I went ahead and called my doctor. I didn’t know if I had an infection or if it was just something my body would work through. Either way, I thought it best to check it out.

My doctor was out of the office and, because 2 other doctors from the practice were gone as well, they told me to go to an urgent care. I was nervous… I think I went to urgent care once as a teenager and it wasn’t a great experience. I tried to be positive and headed over there.

After waiting 2 1/2 hours, I was finally called into see the doctor. He walked into the room, sat down at his desk, asked me about 2 questions and then told me I needed to be injected with allergy meds. He made this declaration without looking at me at all: not in my nose, not in my ears, nothing. When I questioned this and asked to call my OB first to confirm it was okay to take the injectable med, he became irate, and told me I must know it all then. He refused to consider another option except the injectable (his words).

I had explained that it took me nearly 8 years to become pregnant, I had a previous miscarriage, and lost a twin this time. I explained that this has caused me to be extra cautious about taking medicines. He didn't care saying, "Lots of women are in your position". He told me it was his way or no way, and stormed out of the room.

He never came back, so I waited a bit and finally went into the hallway to hear him telling a nurse, "Don't give her anything, she can fix it herself". I went back into the room.

The next thing I knew, the nurse entered the room with the injectable medication. I took one look at it and felt like I had been punched in the gut. It wasn’t the needle (I am an injection pro now; I could have given it to myself!). Something deep inside said, “Don’t let her give you that medicine”. So instead I asked the nurse for the name of the drug, called my OB, and they told me to go somewhere else immediately.

Because they ran my insurance and collected the co-pay *prior* to seeing the doctor (I have never heard of this before), they refused to reverse it. Thus, I was told my insurance would not pay for another visit to a different urgent care. My last 10 minutes in that office consisted of the front desk nurse telling me *I* had refused treatment and she felt really bad and all but that’s the way it is.

Commence uncontrollable crying.

I drove myself to another urgent care for attempt number 2. I cried the entire 45 minute wait. I had never been treated like that by a doctor. I felt shocked, degraded, sick and miserable.

When they called me back, I was apprehensive to say the least. Luckily, the second doctor was wonderful. He put Beanie’s well-being first, exploring different options to bring relief without harming the baby. I ended up with a topical medicine that went straight into my nose, not through my blood stream. He also commented on my experience with the first doctor, saying it was ridiculous to immediately inject a pregnant woman with allergy medicine when there are so many other, less invasive options available to consider. He urged me to report the first doctor, and to fight with my insurance on covering that visit. I paid cash for the second urgent care trip, and was so grateful I had the means to do so.

(UPDATE: A few days later, I went to see my Primary Care doc. She diagnosed me with a severe sinus infection, ear infections AND strep throat! No wonder I was so miserable!)

When I got home, I googled the medicine the first doctor wanted to inject me with. It stays in your system, radiating the medicine from the injection site, for three weeks. So for weeks 9 – 12 of my pregnancy, I would be absorbing a medication with the following warning:

This medicine should be used with care during pregnancy as not only could it endanger the mother, but it could also endanger the life of the fetus. In addition, it has the ability to hinder the growth of the baby. Corticosteroids act as catalysts, and may increase the danger of slow or retarded growth of the fetus. The medication may even impact the baby’s immune system by hindering the development of baby’s steroid hormones after birth.

It’s possible I could have taken that drug and everything would have been fine. But it is also possible the result could have been very bad. Regardless, I am thankful I listened.

On a lighter note, Ryan thought it would be fun to snap a pic when I was in the peak of my misery. I didn't even know he did it! Notice my sweet kitties trying to comfort me... too cute!

Sore Butt Cheeks!

2011-02-28T22:22:00.001-08:00

There are many exciting things I am looking forward to when it comes to the second trimester. First and foremost, I am excited to breathe a little easier. I know my anxiety will (should) go down a bit at that point.

On the much more trivial end, the second trimester means the end of the progesterone shot! Yay!!

I've been doing these shots for about 2 months now, and today I realized... only 18 days left! That is so exciting. :)

I will be forever grateful for this miracle medicine. I call it my "baby glue". I'll also be happy when these sore butt cheeks get a rest! ;) 18 days and counting...

Perinatologist Visit

2011-02-26T13:10:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, we had our first visit to the perinatologist's office. The office left much to be desired, but our ultrasound tech was really nice and it went well. This was the first ultrasound we had this pregnancy that was 100% good news (that we know of). With all the uncertainty of Andie, our ultrasounds were always half celebration / half anxiety and sadness.

This time, we were able to concentrate on Beanie and he/she is doing great! From what we can tell, everything looks right on target. Strong, regular heartbeat (163) and measuring perfectly on schedule.

Andie's sack is noticeably smaller and seems to be disappearing without incident, which is great news. I have had no spotting and hardly any cramping.

That is what we know for now. I will know more after our next appointment with Dr M on Thursday. He will look at the pictures and interpret them for us. Hopefully, all is well.

I promised myself if everything looked good at this appointment, I would try to relax and really enjoy the pregnancy. I am so unbelievably grateful for this blessing; there are NO words. Constant thanks and gratitude fills most thoughts and every prayer through out my day.

I have a definite appreciation for how fragile life is, and I fear the moment I relax and fully take this in is the pregnancy things will go wrong. I am working on letting that go and living in the moment.

So without further delay... Beanie at 9 weeks!

You can see Andie's small little sack fading away to the right of Beanie's.

Beanie's heartbeat:

Getting my ultrasound:

On another note, I have been overwhelmed with text messages, emails, facebook messages and comments of congratulations. It has been difficult to keep up, but I have received every one and I wanted to say how much they are appreciated. Thank you.

Perinatologist

2011-02-25T12:15:00.000-08:00

That is the scary word.

Apparently, a perinatologist is "an obstetrical subspecialist concerned with the care of the mother and fetus at higher-than-normal risk for complications".

I have an appointment with a perinatologist today to take a closer look at Beanie and make sure everything looks okay. I am nervous and I'm so grateful Ryan will be with me.

First Trip to the OB

2011-02-20T20:20:00.000-08:00

Friday was very emotional. There were a lot of good things, but some hard parts as well.

I chose Dr. M to be my OB because a friend recommended him, and happened to mention he had gone through infertility. Once I heard that, I was SOLD! I wanted a doctor who was empathetic to pregnancy after infertility, which I am learning is much different than a regular pregnancy.

Ryan didn't come with me to this appointment. He had worked the night before and, since there was no ultrasound planned and I wouldn't even meet the doctor this time, I told him to stay home and sleep.

I showed up at Dr. M's office and filled out all the preliminary paperwork. My first appointment at that office was mostly a consultation with his nurse practitioner, Nurse G. She was very nice... calm, laid back, motherly. After several minutes of chatting, she asked to confirm I was a twin pregnancy. I told her I wasn't sure; I didn't know. Last I had seen, Beanie looked great, but Andie was too small.

Nurse G immediately said she'd find a room and we'd do an ultrasound. She said there was no way she would let me wait another two weeks (when I was supposed to have my next appointment) to know what's going on. She tried to use the abdominal ultrasound, but couldn't see clearly enough. She mentioned we would have to do a vaginal ultrasound instead and left the room so I could get undressed.

When she came back, Dr M was with her. He sat down in the chair, looked me in the eyes and said,

"In January, my wife and I had a baby. This baby was the result of IVF with Dr. S (my RE). When my wife first got pregnant, we had an ultrasound and saw 2 babies. At first I was thinking, 'Oh my gosh, we're going to have twins!' and I freaked out a little. Then, over the next couple weeks, I fell in love with both babies and became very excited. At our next ultrasound, we saw that one of the twins had left us. So please believe me when I say I *know* how rough it is to lose a twin. I *know* the strange mix of emotions and everything that accompanies it. (His eyes misted up.)Having said all that, let's take a look."

I laid back and we began the ultrasound. We saw Beanie with a beautiful strong heartbeat. Pretty quickly after that we saw what was left of Andie... smaller sack, tiny embryo, no heartbeat. Dr. M confirmed that this twin was gone. Tears began rolling down my cheeks and immediately Nurse G was there by my side, blotting my tears and handing me a tissue.

I sat up and Dr. M began to describe what happens now... He said I need to recognize the loss. It's okay to cry and be sad; that doesn't mean I'm not grateful for the other thriving baby. He said I may cramp and spot. He said my chance of total miscarriage does increase slightly and asked what I would do if I lost both babies, because it's always good to have a Plan B, just in case (I think I'd try again, BTW). He said that, although the chance of miscarriage goes up, it is much more likely Beanie will be born healthy and just fine, so I need to rely on that for comfort.

Dr. M said Andie wouldn't have felt any pain. Her heart just slowed down, and eventually stopped. She wouldn't have felt fear or anything like that. Even though I knew these things, they were comforting to hear.

I asked if Beanie looked good, to which Dr. M replied, "Yep! But let's look again!" I laid back down and he focused in on Beanie this time. Beanie had grown so much, even in just a few days. He or she even has a little 'baby' profile now, which was so wonderful to see.

I am still considered "high risk", which means extra screening and ultrasounds. This coming week, I'll have a more in-depth ultrasound at an imaging center. Next week, we'll meet with Dr. M again and go over those in-depth ultrasound results.

When Dr. M left the room, he told me to take my time... I was welcome to stay there as long as I wanted, or to call my husband from there in the office if I wished. He also offered to get me a glass of water or anything I needed. He then said if I told anyone he got teary eyed when he was talking to me, he'd deny it. He has a reputation to keep! ;)

It all seems touch-and-go right now, but I try to have faith. We have had 3 ultrasounds and in all of them Beanie has been growing and thriving. I have to believe that will continue. To lose one twin is heartbreaking, to lose both would be devastating.

I am SO very grateful I found Dr. M. In the limited amount of time I spent with him (and Nurse G), I felt heard. He validated every one of my feelings and concerns. If I had to go through that experience, I am glad it was with a doctor who was so empathetic and caring.

Dear Andie,

2011-02-20T20:04:00.000-08:00

Some people probably think I am weird for writing you a little letter, but I don't care. I am writing this for you, but I think it's mostly for me.

I just wanted to say that I was so excited when I found out I was expecting twins. From the beginning, it looked as though you might not make it, but I always felt comfort that it would all turn out alright. I thought that meant you'd be joining us in September, but now I know it was just my Heavenly Father offering comfort to get me through the hard times to come.

When I saw that you had left us, I felt so many different emotions... guilt that maybe I had done something wrong, sadness at your loss, fear for Beanie. I mourned you. I never thought of you as simply a "vanishing twin". I saw your heart beat. I know you were a person.

"A person's a person no matter how small."

I have not and will not forget you. When people act like you didn't exist, I correct them, or at least acknowledge you in my thoughts. Some day when Beanie is born, I will think about you, and how you were almost a part of our family on earth too.

I don't know how it all works, whether I will get a chance to be a mommy to you and little appleseed someday, but I wanted to say I enjoyed being your mommy while I had that blessing and I love you very much.

Quick Update

2011-02-18T16:09:00.001-08:00

Just wanted to post that Andie didn't make it. :( Beanie is still hanging in there.

Thanks to everyone who kept us in your prayers. I'll update more later. It's been kind-of an emotional day!

TUPO

2011-02-17T08:30:00.000-08:00

Twins Until Proven Otherwise

I have decided that I am not giving up on Andie.

When I posted about my last ultrasound, I wrote the things they told me at the doctor's office: Andie will not make it through the pregnancy, Andie will not catch up, Andie's heart will stop beating. Yes, I heard and I understand all those things.

I was afraid to admit that my hope for Andie never went away, even after hearing everything they had to say. I was afraid people would think I was in "denial" or not being "realistic".

I saw for myself Andie was too small, but I also saw the heartbeat. A heartbeat means there is still life, and as long as that heart is beating, I am pregnant with TWO babies, not one. And I am going to enjoy that as long as it lasts.

I understand Andie could leave us tomorrow, next week, or three weeks from now. But until that time I am not giving up!

I love both my babies!

It’s a Scary World Out There

2011-02-17T07:18:00.000-08:00

Tuesday was our last visit to the RE. It was a surreal experience. After Nurse H performed the ultrasound, she looked at me and said, “Well, that’s it!” She gave me a big hug, copied some of my files for my new OB and off we went. As we left, the nurses in the front offered us congratulations and asked us to keep them updated.

And just like that, it was over.

It has been nearly seven years since I first walked through those doors. Even Ryan was shocked to hear that number. How quickly those years added up. We had a lot of detours on the way.

In 2004, I had my first consultation with Dr. S. We had been trying to start our family for almost a year at that point. All the infertility testing was completed and everything looked perfect. Even so, Dr. S cautioned us that statistically we only had a 1% chance of conceiving on our own. “What does he know?” I thought, and I headed back out those doors to ‘relax’ some more and try to get pregnant.

Two years later, I was back. Fine, okay, I give! I’ll take the Clomid. Four rocky cycles later we weren’t any closer than we started. Unable to afford the next level of treatment, we considered laparoscopic surgery, thinking endometriosis might be our issue.

Well, thousands of dollars later we realized... it wasn’t! We spent the next year paying off that surgery and the two years after that completely stagnant. What a miserable time that was.

Finally, it was 2010 and we were back. We now had the means to take the next step. Ryan was getting more involved this time around, which was great. We were a team. We started treatments again with injectable medications this time. We said we would do 5 cycles, and were shocked when we were pregnant after cycle #2. Then came the miscarriage.

Back on the horse, it was the 5th and final cycle that finally put us here today.

During that roller coaster, it was the same awesome nurses that were there the whole way through.

Nurse H did nearly all of my IUIs. We spent most of our time at that office with her. I loved her cute personality and attitude. She was the one who had to tell me in September that we had lost the baby. She let me sit and cry on the phone, offering comforting words that I don’t remember. She was also the one who played my baby’s heartbeat for the first time, an experience I’ll always remember. I never thought another woman would be in the room when I conceived a child, but if someone had to be, I’m glad it was her.

The other nurses were wonderful too. Nurse M did a few of my IUIs. She awesome. Nurse K was the one who called out as we left after the last IUI, “This is the one, Michelle. I can feel it! You’ve waited long enough; it’s your turn!” All of the nurses up front were just great, answering my paranoid questions and being as accommodating as possible, despite the busyness of the practice.

We only saw Dr. S during 2 consultations (2004 and 2010) and for my surgery (2007), which was fine with me. Not seeing Dr. S meant we hadn’t reached the IVF level and, although we would have gone there if need be, I am grateful it wasn’t necessary (fingers crossed).

With all that history, it was weird waving good-bye yesterday and walking out of the office.

Tomorrow is my first appointment with the OB. How am I going to handle that? Sitting in a room with a bunch of bellies? I am like them in physical condition only. Other than that, I couldn’t feel more different.

I have no idea what it’s like to stop birth control, have sex for a while, pee on a stick and head to the OB.

They have no idea what it’s like to have 7 years of heartache, countless negative tests, injections, surgery, and medical procedures.

This next phase is going to be interesting. It’s a scary world out there, but one I am willing to try. ;)

Andie and Beanie

2011-02-16T17:00:00.000-08:00

Okay, just for the record, these are MY nicknames and not Ryan's. He thinks I'm a dork, and he's right.

So of course I would pick the dorkiest names for my little tadpoles.

I couldn’t take “Twin A and Twin B” or “Baby A and Baby B” anymore. It all sounds so medical; so sterile.

I call my babies, Andie and Beanie.

For some reason, I smile every time I say those words. Every time I think them, really. Look... I’m smiling right now!

Please rest assured, these names are in-utero only. I may be a dork, but I’m not crazy!

Bittersweet Day...

2011-02-15T12:26:00.001-08:00

but much more sweet than bitter...

Our little Twin A has a beating heart, but has not grown at all. Twin A will not make it through the pregnancy. Over the next couple weeks, the heart will likely stop beating. :( While there is always hope, we are trying to begin adjusting to the idea that we will not get to meet our little fighter in person.

Twin B is still measuring perfectly and has grown so much in one week. He or she looks like a little frog, with visible arms and legs already. The heartbeat was strong and we even got to hear it (which was a huge surprise - I didn't think that happens until later). It was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard. I was so happy Ryan was there to experience it with me.

Today was a mix of emotions... anxiety, sadness, and overwhelming joy. We are about 8 weeks into the pregnancy with a due date of October 2nd. It will have taken us 8 years of heartache and enormous spiritual growth to finally become parents. I am overcome with gratitude that we will get that chance.

To those of you who fasted with us in January, I want you to know that we felt it. And God heard it. The week of the fast we went in for our last IUI and, well, here we are. We will never forget your love and support.

And the journey towards parenthood continues...

---------

The last 8 weeks have certainly been a roller coaster. To read all about the pregnancy click here.

Two beating hearts?

2011-02-14T19:12:00.000-08:00

It’s Valentine’s Day. The day of love. And what better symbol for love than a heart? I love hearts. Probably because I am not artistic in the least and a heart is something I can actually draw or cut out. Plus they’re pretty and feminine. And I just love them.

Today, I have had hearts on the brain. Specifically, two tiny hearts. My babies’ hearts. One I saw beating away while the other seemed still. Here I am one week later, hoping to see *two* flashing dots on the screen this time. Life times two.

It took some time to process what happened after last ultrasound. You hope to see one healthy baby. You fear seeing your baby without a heartbeat. But I was unprepared to see both possibilities.

Immediately, I felt I should be grateful for Twin B and that beautiful, beating heart. And I am SO very grateful. But when I looked at Twin A, all I wished is for his/her heart to beat too. Seeing both babies, those teeny tiny grains of rice, I loved them both immediately. And I so want both of them to be a part of our life.

Tomorrow we see if that is to be.

I don’t belong here…

2011-02-12T16:38:00.000-08:00

I joined one of those mommy-to-be message boards. I needed an outlet during all these weeks of “secrecy”. Although it has been helpful hearing other people’s experiences and learning what I am feeling physically is “normal”, I have come to realize I just don’t belong.

The women on the board are very sweet. In their defense, if I didn’t spend years giving blood, sweat and tears for this pregnancy, I could imagine myself saying some of the same things they do. Maybe…

But I just can’t help feeling like a few of them will never, ever fully comprehend the beautiful gift they have been given. Many of them received this gift without any effort on their part. Some of them received the gift without even desiring it.

I think it’s true... Infertility changes who you are forever. It never goes away.

Morning Sickness

2011-02-08T17:10:00.001-08:00

Yep, I have it. It's come in a few phases.

1. Phase 1 began before I even had a positive HPT. It was those "waves of nausea" I described in a previous blog. At the time, I thought if this was going to be my morning sickness, I was one lucky gal. It lightly reminded me that the pregnancy was there, but didn't really impact my life.

2. A couple weeks later, that feeling of nausea faded away. It was a bit concerning because I was afraid the disappearance of the nausea was an indication of the pregnancy ending. Two days later, it was back, and it was different. This time it was stronger. Very few foods sounded appealing, although I would be satisfied when I ate those certain things. This lasted about a week.

3. Last Saturday, I awoke to Phase 3 of morning sickness. I have the nausea almost constantly now. Nothing I do makes it much better. I still haven't actually thrown up yet, but I've dry heaved a few times. Certain foods sound good in my head, but when I actually eat them, they do not satisfy. I never fully realized how much I love food! Now it offers no joy or comfort. It's a weird paradox for me.

Will there be a Phase 4 of this morning sickness roller coaster? Will I join those poor women who spend their time hanging over a toilet? Stay tuned... ;)

And, of course it goes without saying, no matter what lies ahead, it is all sooooo worth it! I wouldn't trade it for anything!

1st Ultrasound

2011-02-08T15:35:00.001-08:00

Today was our first ultrasound. We were ecstatic to see what we already believed would be there... TWINS!

During the last few weeks, we both had strong feelings that we were pregnant with twins. We would catch ourselves referring to the baby as "the babies". We would be unbelievably grateful and over the moon with one baby, but we couldn't shake the feeling there would be two.

Sure enough, we learned quite quickly there were 2 sacks with two embryos inside.

When we focused in on Baby A, we noticed he/she was a little small. The measurements (6w1d) were 2 days behind where they should have been (6w3d). Additionally, we were unable to see a heartbeat. This was disappointing to say the least.

Next we looked at Baby B. This baby was measuring right on schedule (6w3d) and had a nice strong heartbeat of about 135.

So now we wait for a week and go back. The babies will be bigger, and the heartbeats clearer. It is then we'll see if Baby A has grown and if his/her heart is beating. I love both our babies already and am hopeful they'll both be a part of our family here on earth.

Here are babies' first photos:

TWINS!

Baby A: Our Fighter

Baby B: Right on Schedule

Because of this recent development, we are waiting another week to tell people. We want to have more definite news. Until then, the secret continues...

Ultrasound Jitters

2011-02-07T18:15:00.000-08:00

We’ve just about made it… tomorrow is the big day! Our ultrasound is at 9am. Please, PLEASE let there be a healthy, growing baby with a strong heartbeat tucked away in there. That is my constant prayer…

If nausea is any indication, I don’t think that baby’s gone anywhere! ;)

I Hope You Dance

2011-02-05T16:39:00.000-08:00

This song was released right around the time I was married. I don’t typically listen to country, so I don’t know how I first heard it. It probably ‘crossed over’.

Anyway, when I first heard it, I immediately focused on the lyrics (as I typically do). Without skipping a beat, I thought of my future daughter. These were all the things I would want to tell her someday. This song was written for little Katelyn. I fell in love with it immediately.

A couple years later, we decided to start our family. I would listen to this song and dream about my little girl.

As time rolled on, the song slowly changed. Instead of evoking hopes and dreams, I just felt pain. I stopped listening to it. Completely. And then forgot about it.

This week I randomly found out George Strait was coming to town for a concert. My husband (despite not being much of a country fan either) has loved him since childhood. Randomly, on a whim, we bought last-minute cheap seats and went to the concert.

The opening act was Leann Womack. She sang a few songs before I heard a familiar musical introduction. It was THE song. The song I hadn’t heard for years. The song whose once hopeful chords had dissolved me into a hopeless sobbing mess the last time I heard it.

And now I was hearing it again. Live.

Only this time, I was pregnant.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed

I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making

Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance

Hearing those words again, I cried. Ryan held my hand. Life was good.

Beta #4

2011-02-04T16:00:00.000-08:00

Today was my last beta blood test.

The doctor's office wanted my number to be over 10,000. I had much higher expectations.

My number last week was 7058, so even if I was slightly over 10,000, I don't feel like that would be a good number as it wouldn't be rising very quickly. I wanted a number around 50,000 because that would mean it was still doubling at a pretty good rate. (I know it slows down at some point, but I believe it should be rising this week.)

I called the office and they told me my number was 48,805. I was happy with that, and the nurse said it was a very good number.

This means the blood tests to determine hCG are over. Next comes the ultrasound in just a few more days. Please let there be a beautiful baby growing in there with a nice, strong heartbeat!!

Beta #3

2011-01-28T18:27:00.000-08:00

I had a lot of anxiety with this beta test today. In my first pregnancy, it was my beta blood test at the 5 week mark when I found out the baby had died. That memory kept flashing back in my mind as I waited allllll day for the phone to ring.

In order for my number to keep increasing at the rate it was before, it needed to be about 5200 today.

My result: 7058!!!

So far so good! I am too grateful for words. :)

Beta #2

2011-01-24T18:00:00.000-08:00

Our number continues to rise! We went from 385 to 1376 in 72 hours!

The next test is Friday...

Grow, baby, GROW! :D

We did it

2011-01-23T11:04:00.000-08:00

Last night, we did our first Progesterone shot and I survived!

Check out that needle! My heart stopped when I opened the package and saw that thing.

I began by putting my upper, outer butt cheek on a heating pad for about 10 minutes. I also placed the vial of Progesterone in a dish of hot water to warm it up a bit. Once it was ready, we wiped the top of the vial with an alcohol swab, attached a needle to the syringe and pulled up on the plunger to draw 1ml of air in. We stuck the needle into the vial and pushed the air into it. Then we turned the vial upside down and drew in 1cc of the Progesterone.

Next, we pulled the needle out of the vial, capped the needle and removed it. We put a new needle on the syringe and pushed any air out until a drop of the Progesterone came out of the needle. I then laid on my stomach on the bed, exposed my butt cheek, wiped the area with alcohol, had a mini-freakout, and ultimately decided to put my iPod earbuds in my ears with a bit of Michael Buble playing.

I took a deep breath and let it out. Ryan put the needle in quickly, like a dart. He then pulled back on the plunger to check for blood and make sure he wasn't in a blood vessel. When all looked good he slowly released all the Progesterone out of the syringe. This takes longer than one might think... that stuff is a tad thick.

Once it was empty, Ryan was ready to remove the needle. It was then we realized we forgot the gauze! So, Ryan left the device stuck in my butt cheek while he ran to get the gauze. A mistake we won't make again! He came back, removed the needle and rubbed the area for a couple minutes to distribute the Progesterone. I kept the heating pad on for about 30 minutes following.

The area hurt for a while afterwards, but it feels okay today. I feel pretty calm about tonight, as it is the next butt cheek's turn. ;) I am a bit anxious about injecting the same general areas day after day for months, but I'm sure it will be fine in the end. This baby is worth going through anything and, in the grand scheme of life, this ain't that bad! ;)

I'm scared!

2011-01-22T11:20:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I began spotting just a bit. Nothing extreme, just a pale, pale pink. It concerned the doctor's office enough to put me on bed rest for the weekend. They also ordered me a new medication to replace the Endometrin. It is Progesterone (Ethyl Oleate) in injection form.
I had 2 choices:

1. Stop the Endocmetrin immediately and start the Progesterone shot right away

OR

2. Keep with what I'm on and start the shots if the spotting gets worse

We ultimately decided to switch to the shots. If something goes wrong, I never want to look back and wonder 'what if'.

But I am very scared! This Progesterone is given through an intramuscular shot. Like a 2" huge needle into my butt. The stories I've read about it are nightmarish. Knots under the skin, horrible hot rashes, bad bruising, lots of pain. I'll do this everyday, in the same area, for the next 2 months.

Whatever it takes... whatever it takes...